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Wow, my blog is turning into a full-blown Dream Journal, but I swear I will balance it with the realities of my days! I think the dream state has become emphasized as a result of the processing of my break up.
Okay, first, in waking state, I got this “wink” from somebody who saw my personal ad. Yes, I did it. I put out a personal ad shortly after being dumped. Partly because I was like, fuck it, whatever, I gotta move on, and partly because, fuck it, I AM ready to move on! Heh heh… So I have my ad in several places looking for friends and dates. Well, I got this “wink” from a boy and I thought he was cute. I get tons of “winks” because they are safe for people to send and they don’t cost anything, but I rarely find them interesting enough to respond to. This guy was cute and interesting, though.
So when I went to bed, I dreamt about him, but not REALLY him… I dreamt that I got an email from him and he said he really looked forward to going out with me before he had to leave the country. I noticed that he signed his email with a name that looked Icelandic, but I don’t know how I thought/knew that. Then I noticed a link in his signature that was for the Sigur Ros web site! I followed it and realized this guy was the lead singer for Sigur Ros!! I could not believe the guy from Sigur Ros was asking me out!! I was so excited in my dream!
I love Sigur Ros because their music is so mournful and emotional and the crescendos are intoxicating. Add to that the reviews that call the lead singer “Elizabeth Fraser in a gay man’s body”, (my all-time, most-influential, inspirational person to me on the planet!) well, how freaked out excited could you possibly get me?!
If you have not seen or heard Sigur Ros, try starting with this video. Watch closely, all the way through to the end. It is the most beautiful and sad thing EVER. Follow this link and watch the second video down, called: “viðrar vel til loftárása”
Of course, it was all just a dream.
Okay, so in “reality”, I am healing, moving on… I can’t believe how fast I am processing this! I am actually kind of excited. When I was in my worst state of anger about Nick dumping me, I decided to do this meditation called “decording”. It’s a way of separating your energy from another person, or group of people. I wanted to do it as a way to kind of punish Nick, actually. I thought, fine, if you can so easily dump me, I am severing all ties with you and you will be left with a husk of a relationship with now hope for a future with me! Within hours of doing the meditation, freeing the energy between us, I started feeling AMAZING! I started seeing him in a very compassionate light, full of love and acceptance for the bravery of his choice (he really did not hurt me or intend to hurt me), and I saw that my worth was not tied to his interpretation of me or our relationship! The freeing feeling was AWESOME! Suddenly I was very excited about just being the best of friends and my moving on to find a more appropriate boyfriend who really shared in the same interests and hopes, which Nick and I did not. I could easily take Nick back in a heartbeat. I think I would love him as completely with or without the label of “Boyfriend”, but I realize it is a nice thing for me NOT to be with someone who doesn’t want me like that.
Interestingly, since the meditation, I have been reunited with two guys from a time when I first met Nick. They are guys I would have gone out with, but I had already started dating Nick! So now I can go out with them if I want! I know for a fact that one of them is interested, already telling me that he has waited for years to hear that I wasn’t with Nick anymore, so we could “snuggle and kiss and date”! He said he always knew Nick never wanted me as much as other guys seemed to want me. Whatever. Everyone wants what they don’t have. The true test is wanting it after it is yours, and nurturing it for the years to come. Sigh…
I don’t know if I am really ready for seriously dating, but it’s nice to know that I might be able to do so when I am ready.