Reading time: 9 – 14 minutes
“….and most poor suckers are starving to death!”
My god, this past week was SO full!!
First of all, it was a very busy week at work…
This is a pic of my little cubicle that encapsulates my Being far more than any other location on Earth.
As Wednesday came around I was getting serious cabin fever, so when Leela spontaneously invited me to some friend’s Comic Book release hosted in The Coral Room, I was ready to go. Who doesn’t love a huge wall of LIVE Mermen and Mermaids!?
I called my pal Paul who was also synchronistically, spontaneously available, and we headed out after work to meet Leela.
That night turned out to be surprisingly profound as Paul and I talked about Loss, Grief, Consciousness, Transformation, and Love. Although I have had a great support group around me throughout my oddly-quiet breakup with Nick, I have to give Paul the trophy for “Greatest Breakthrough from Grief while in a Synchronistic, Spontaneous Environment among Swimming Mermaids and Too-Loud 80s Punk Rock”!
Most people who are close to me tend to step back when I am grieving, angry, or lost and confused, because I am such a control-freak that I have convinced everyone I can do everything better by myself. That’s a reality I prefer most of the time, but one that can bite me on the ass when I am really lonely or in need of a profound breakthrough. I think the resonance of what Paul had to say was amplified by the innocence through which it was delivered, because it was less advice and more of a personal story.
Paul was sharing his perception of a friendship in his own life that had caused him a great deal of grief, depression, and anxiety. This friendship was one in which Paul would have preferred more, and one in which the friend was allowing a blur to occur between that “friendship” and “more”. This had become frustrating and painful for quite a while, but over time Paul realized that most of the pain had come from his own EXPECTATIONS of the friend, and not from the friend. Paul finally allowed himself to see just how much the friend did Love Paul, how much the friend gave to his fullest capacity in his own way, and just because it was not in the way that Paul expected or wanted, it was still a depth of giving from the friend that had to be recognized. So when Paul basically let go of the inner demand for the friend to fit that expectation, Paul was able to finally Love and Be Loved in a more intimate and meaningful way. It is all bittersweet, but it struck a very powerful chord in me about Nick.
Nick has always given me every ounce of Love he can manage. I know that. The fact that he will not love me in the way I want him to love me does not negate the reality of his important love for me in his way. As Paul spoke to me about his friend, a forgiveness toward myself and for Nick swept over me to the point of tears. I kept myself composed, of course, but I was feeling a relief from the anger and resentment toward Nick that I hadn’t felt before. It was like I finally “got it”.
You know, on the surface it can easily look like Paul or I have “made excuses” for the behavior of the other person we wanted so much to be with, but that’s not the case. The reason I am secure in my genuine realization is because Nick has never intentionally hurt me, as Paul can say about his friend, too. It would be one thing if these guys had been mean or insulting and then I accepted these lame philosophies just to make myself feel better, but in both relationships, Paul and I agree that our guys were 100% giving of 100% of what they could. It actually put into perspective how, ironically, Paul and I were the ones lacking in our efforts to “love”. It put into perspective how conditional we had become.
I can’t say the grieving is over, but I can say that my night with Paul probably removed weeks, if not months, of time from the process.
Thank you, Paul. And thanks to all of my friends for any part of support you have given me across my life!
We said goodnight to Leela (who was just the cutest social butterfly of the night), and eventually Paul and I ended up at Barracuda. Paul and I continued some great conversation, but we quickly had to succumb to the tiny stage show that we had not realized would be ensuing.
A 7-foot tall drag queen who could have easily passed as Kathy Griffin came onto the stage with a bored demeanor and a deep voice only to lip-synch to awful songs and pass around a spitoon for money. Despite my lack of interest in the show, the night wore on, and Paul left, and I stayed, and eventually I heard a lip-synched song by PEACHES. I know my friend MYKEY loves her, but I hate that raunchy, rap-like, rough shit. But that night/morning was the first time I actually found myself liking her, too! The atmosphere, the liquor, the people, the overall great night,… all contributed to my finally saying “YES!” to Peaches! Now I LOVE that song, “fuck the pain away”! It was deliciously obnoxious and perfect for the night.
I didn’t get home until around 5am. I won’t say why.
I stayed home from work on Thursday to recuperate…
Thursday night had been a plan for going to Chelsea’s Clearview Classics Night at the theater. It was the first time we had heard about these great classics being played on the big screen every week! We were so excited because they were playing AUNTIE MAME! I almost bailed on going out for the movie, but I had a feeling it was going to be so worth it. Nick, Don, and Taren had never seen the movie, so to watch something so inspiring and funny with people who had never seen it, and on the big screen at that, I knew I had to go! What I experienced was nothing short of one of the best times I have ever had in NYC!
The night was hosted by HEDDA LETTUCE, one of the most genuinely witty, talented, and funny Drag Queens in NYC. She was actually in character as her Jewish Aunt, “NETTA ICEBURG”, as she hosted AUNTIE MAME. She was so hilarious. As she asked the audience to raise hands if you haven’t seen the movie, she insisted no one be shy about it, “no judgments here, no judgments here…”, she said in her strong Jewish Aunt accent. Once the room was about 1/3 full of raised hands, she spittled out, “YER ALL STUPID! HOW COULD HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE!!???” That was particularly funny because Cyprus and I had that similar response to everyone who had told us he or she hadn’t seen it! The movie generated smart laughs, inspiration, and reminder that life is really so grand if we make it that way.
After the movie, Hedda was in her “Hedda” character at the EAST OF EIGHTH lounge performing her weekly show. She had invited all of us during her hosting of the movie and I am glad we went. She is SO FUNNY! She sings these hilarious parodies of classic and pop songs, mixed with commentary and interaction with the intimate crowd. It’s just so New York City and I love that whole lounge scene with the martinis and laughs and good people.
A special bonus for the night was in meeting the hotties from the new movie SHOWBOY. I love NY for the fact that famous, semi-famous, and infamous people are just a part of the pedestrian world like everyone else. Hedda, Christian, and Adrian were kind enough to let Don take a picture with Taren and me.
Normally, I do not take photos, but these days I am seeming to be visually document everything! I don’t know if I would have been interested in this movie on its own, but in meeting the boys, I now feel I should see it as a form of support. The writer and star, Christian, used to write for Six Feet Under, so he has a HUGE amount of admiration from me just for that! God, I swear I look like Rosie O’Donnel in the photo above!
Speaking of infamous… I also had the sweet experience of recognizing a worker at East of Eighth as being a former member of the staff from the reality series THE RESTAURANT. He was the little flaming gay boy waiter/host who quit because of Rocco’s abusive, neglectful, and arrogant effects on the work environment. He was so friendly and sweet!
Again, I ended up at Barracuda for the night. Taren and Don accompanied me. We were just being ridiculously silly!
DON, TAREN, ME
Don and Taren left, but I stayed for the “Star Search” show, hosted by Candis Cayne, a very beautiful transexual who is one of the many famous Drag/Trannie hosts in the NY underworld. The CHEER NEW YORK gay cheerleader boys were spontaneously called to the stage, which was a lot of fun.
I got home around 4am and still got to work by 8:30am on Friday.
The rest of the weekend was pretty calm and uneventful, thank god, so I could work on my stuff with Michael and the web site. I am nowhere near being caught up with that.
I dreamt I was chatting with some guy who suddenly acted like he was surprised and appalled at my being gay. He still insisted on meeting me.
I dreamt I killed someone, which I have never dreamed in my life! I can’t remember what led to my killing him, but it had something to do with his constant threats against my life. I remember the killing wasn’t planned, but I broke his neck while trying to make him shut up. I remember knowing it was only a matter of time before someone found the body, but I acted like nothing had happened and went about my days in quiet panic, wondering what I would do.
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