Our Last Night On Earth

Reading time: 6 – 9 minutes

Yeah, I believe in reincarnation. I have spoken many times about how I don’t truly fear death as much as I fear the experience of grieving the loss of my own experience of this unique life. God, I will miss it.

I can philosophize all day about the one commonality among everything living: Death.

That just doesn’t prepare you for the aftershock of a near-death experience when you start to consider all of the tiny factors that went into saving your life.

I can say without this being over-dramatic that Cyprus and I came very close to dying last night/this morning. 30 seconds and a mini-fire extinguisher saved our lives today.

Our home was on fire in the early hours while we were asleep:

Just before 5 am, Cyprus burst through my bedroom door and screamed that our apartment was in flames. Cyprus can be dramatic, so some tiny party of my just-wrenched-from-sleep mind thought, okayyy, okayyy… Until I saw that my open bedroom door was glowing BRIGHT, shifting orange and I heard the loud crackling and popping!

I flew from my loft bed, down the ladder and into the living room. I just couldn’t believe my eyes. Half of the entire doorway between the living room and dining room was in flames; about 7 feet of fire.

I do not know HOW we remained so calm, but I have been in threatening situations before and have been startled by my ability to think clearly, even if I am disengaged from the intelligence of my body. It’s like I go completely into a mode that KNOWS what to do, even while I feel like a disengaged observer.

Cyprus was in that mode at that moment.

I truly believe that it is because of her, ultimately, that we are alive.

I sleep with my bedroom door closed. I would never have known the living room was on fire. Cyprus usually dismisses any unusual sounds and lights because she would rather just roll back over and go to sleep. Something in her made her get up… Just to check.

I was standing by the flames, thinking for what seemed an eternity, but it was only seconds. Within those seconds, Cyprus had already grabbed the mini-fire extinguisher from the kitchen and gave it to me. The fucking pull-tab (or whatever it was) would NOT come loose!

The flames were growing and spreading SO FAST and I couldn’t see or figure out why the tab wouldn’t work. God, the sound of that crackling and the heat! The mini-extinguisher is over 7 years old, or even older, because we don’t even remember where we got it or how we got it. We are lucky it worked at all.

When I got the extinguisher to work, I methodically sprayed down the fire. I don’t know how I knew what to do because I wasn’t just spraying and flailing… I actually, specifically, sprayed key areas and the flames dissipated really quickly (relatively speaking).

30 seconds to 1 minute later, and no extinguisher,… our entire couch and walls would have been on fire. I will never take for granted the preventive measures we can add in our life.

This is the bird-feeder lantern we had hanging above the couch decoratively. It was completely ablaze. After extinguishing it, I unhooked it and took it to the shower to spray down. It was glowing orange, still crackling.

After an hour of sitting, cleaning, and pondering all the good and bad things that did or could have happened, Cyprus noticed the inside of the blue chair was releasing smoke… she sliced into the material and found that the INSIDE of the chair was still on fire! Smoldering and glowing red was the thick, ancient rubber-foam inside! We both began slicing and pouring water on it, eventually freeing the rubber/foam and getting it to the bathtub. After thoroughly putting out that secondary fire, we continued to clean up and air out the apartment.
Our walls are blackened, blistered and severely damaged.

After-shadow from the extinguisher chemicals on the pillow that was on fire.

It was a bizarre experience to consider what may easily have been our last night on earth. We would have missed everyone so much…

Don’t get me wrong… I know how lucky we were/are,… how much worse this could have been. I live with a heart full of gratitude, but today I am especially grateful…

To Another World and Back

Reading time: 6 – 10 minutes

Yes, I did it. I went there. It’s not the first time, of course, but it was my first time while in love. It makes it look completely different now…

I went to NEW JERSEY! YAY!

Satellite of Jersey City and surrounding area

Yep, the home of Boyfriend is Jersey City, New Jersey. A most recent date of Cyprus’ is also from New Jersey. The guy is apparently turning out to be pretty wonderful! So, has this been Jersey’s best-kept secret all of these years? Are they hoarding all of the true hotties and meaningful love potentials? Good Lord… Whodathunkit?

So even though I am still pretty achy and recovering, I found myself eagerly making my first steps into Carlos’ World. He has found his way to me in more ways than just traveling, so I at least needed to make my efforts to balance the load of traveling. I don’t know if it was Love, good instructions, or excellent transportation systems, but getting there was nothing. It was gentle, easy, and very direct.

I found my way to Carlos’ door and into his apartment; a discreet, quaint, simple, unassuming small palace containing one of the most beautiful souls on earth. Graced with practicality and efficiency, his home was warm, welcoming, and as inviting as his arms. Because of the timing of my arrival, I got the luxury of accidentally surprising him before his leap into the shower… sigghhhh… such a beautiful creature, towel-wrapped and giddy.

Our night led to a long walk around his neighborhood with playful banter and important talk. I got to see one of a few breathtaking views of Manhattan from a snow-crusted park near his home. Silent and glittering, it is always fascinating for me to see New York City from a distance. It generates this awe in me that is as fulfilling as it is frustrating. It reminds me of my being in love,… as I am with Carlos. That feeling of being one person divided by skin. Knowing you have to experience the dance individually, but feeling the aching to be completely one. I feel that way about two things now: New York City and Carlos. I love living IN NYC and in my relationship with Carlos,… as much as I love appreciating its beauty and enormity from a distance.

Despite my love and constant celebration of my fresh and ancient relationship with Carlos, I still have old wounds to work through. I still grieve Nick. I still fear the surrender and complete acceptance. I still resist absolute trust. It’s faint, but enough so that I find it helpful to talk about it openly with Carlos. We are both in synch with so much of our inner and outer Being that, at first, we both shared in those fears and insecurities. Suddenly, at one point, Carlos stopped exhibiting any signs of doubt, fear, worry. I still struggle; only a little, but enough.

My favorite conversation of the night (paraphrased):

Troy: “…but do you ever doubt? Doubt us? Me?”

Carlos: “No. I went through that at first, but not anymore.”

Troy: “But why? How do you feel so certain?”

Carlos: “Because of you.”

Troy: “You help me work though my insecurities and doubts, too, but it hasn’t clicked completely yet. How did you get over it so fast?”

Carlos: “Because when I think about what I want from a relationship; from a guy, I have always found pieces of that in other guys. Then I would justify or ignore the rest that didn’t fit or was negative. I would focus on the good parts and just make excuses for all the rest. After a while with you, I realized that there was only the good; only everything I wanted. Once I realized this, I was done doubting. I was yours. It can’t get better than this; than you.”

Troy: [is then revived from a snow pile after passing out from the overwhelming moment of love]

I fell in love with him all over again that night.

As I do every night.

The rest of the long evening was spent being playful, eating fast food, plastic-coating his drafty windows, and playing Simpson’s: Road Rage! WHAT A FUN GAME!!! (I won)

[sick of] LOVE

Okay, Okay, I know a lot of you are probably sick to death of my ooo-ing and ahhh-ing over Carlos and my relationship, but hey,… seriously, enjoy it. If you find other people’s expression and celebration of love to be annoying, boring, or tiring, I feel for you. It’s like listening to someone talk about how much money he spent shopping that day when you have very little money.

But Love is not the same as Money. Love is in your life whether you accept it or not; whether it is in the shape you demand or not. Love is vital in a human’s life and you would not be alive without it. Somehow, somewhere, someone LOVES you. In the true sense of the word.

Most of us wait for a perfected, intimate relationship to magically make us feel loved. But what most don’t realize is that the doorway in your life for such a relationship is created from the acknowledgement of the love you ALREADY HAVE.

Yeah, I still distrust. I still denigrate myself instead of accepting Love from every source, sometimes severely, most of the time secretly and unconsciously. But I have worked on it. I have to CONSCIOUSLY and with EFFORT choose Love when the voices of protection inside of me tell me that it’s not safe or that I will be wounded again.

I have to choose Love.

Even in the midst of my doubt, fear, and grief, I assume those parts are all a part of Love. They are just the parts of me who forgot the possibilities, the parts who went numb, or the parts who equated love with pain. When I assume my distrust, denigration, and doubt are all INSIDE the experience of accepting Love, I then listen to those parts of me and I soothe them. I educate myself. I say that it is okay, but let’s try something different this time. Just to see…

Just to see…

And eventually I will get there.

And so will you, if you are not there already.


I haven’t remembered my dreams the past couple of nights, but Carlos did.

He dreamt that Taren, He, and I were in a completely different apartment that was his home. We were having an excellent time just being silly and fun. He remembered the apartment was high in the sky, so much so that the clouds were passing by the windows and he felt he could reach out and touch them if he could reach through the windows. At some point his Ex showed up with a few friends. His Ex was on good behavior, but the dynamic of the group changed, even though we continued to have fun. Eventually, his Ex made a snide comment about something to which Carlos simply, gracefully laughed it off, letting it go. Again his Ex made another comment, to which Carlos then commented that it was inappropriate. This continued to escalate to the point where Carlos suddenly punched his Ex in the stomach! His Ex fell to the floor and Carlos apologized, but said that it was important for the Ex to keep himself in check. The Ex got up after this and the rest of the time he behaved himself and all was well.

We thought this was a very interesting dream, especially in light of our discussion about doubtful, interfering voices. Carlos’ Ex was that symbolic voice and Carlos played out his patience and then his conclusive stance to keep that doubt in check, transforming it into a pleasant acquaintance, instead of as a nuisance and interruption.


Twin Souls, Twin Peaks, and The Snow!

Reading time: 6 – 9 minutes

And the snow begins… and continues…

Snowbound and some Super Cool Boys in Love!

I LOVE it when it snows! Yes, it is inconvenient and so is a lot of what is natural to our world outside of the concept of “convenient”, but my god, Snow is just beautiful! It is such a unique form of weather! Well, maybe not UNIQUE, but it is about the only form of weather that silently transforms our neighborhoods and holidays into cocoons to remind us of inner things.

Well, at least that’s the way I look at it.

Walking in the freezing cold, the snow, the crunching, blowing, snotting,… was made all the more exciting and warm with Carlos. He actually STAYED THE NIGHT WITH ME as the Blizzard began to hit! YOWZA!

Of course, this stayover was wonderful for two reasons:

Embarrassingly, I have not really SLEPT with and just held a boyfriend or had a boyfriend just jold me in FOREVER! I was scared to death of entering that type of intimacy again. It is amazing how differently you begin to sleep when you sleep alone. I found I flailed more, sprawled more, and slept in my crazy, sporadic way… and yeesh, let’s be frank… I can’t be the only one who just freely farts when alone, can I? So I was terrified I would forget Carlos was with me and just fart-blow him right out of the loft! So the first reason this experience was wonderful was because it went PERFECTLY!! Total comfort, reunion, peaceful sleep, giggling, late chatting, and lots and lots of snuggling (okay, and some makin’ out – YAY!!)

The other reason this was so wonderful was because I am still sick and not quite “available”, if you know what I mean… normally, this pressure would be so uncomfortable to endure. Not with Carlos. I was made to feel healed on levels beyond my current ailments through Carlos’ compassionate acceptance of my body being all busted up, and through Carlos’ genuine expression that he was just happy to be sleeping with me.


Carlos is patiently teaching me to KNIT! WOO HOO! I learned how to crochet long before it became so “in,” but I never learned how to knit. Now that I am learning, I see it is nearly the same concept, but with more tools and techniques. I am so psyched to make some very cool things. Of course, I am looking at making this giant, beautiful poncho for Cyprus, and Carlos just looks at me and reminds me to practice my “casting” and basic “stitches.” I am so idealistic. I have wardrobes all planned out already in my head for several friends! I am going to have EVERYONE in crooked sweaters and cockeyed hats by next Christmas! I swear!

Nick, Cyprus, Carlos, Josh, and I started the Twin Peaks series marathon again! Cyprus and I do this about every two to three years and this time we are doing it on DVD! Wee Hoo! I have had the DVD set for about 5 years, but never watched it. I was so disappointed that the 2nd Season was never released on DVD, so I kept putting it off until they released it. Whatever. They suck. I also had to find the Pilot Episode very quickly because it is NOT included in the DVD set OR in the box set of VHS tapes I bought years ago that contains all episodes. It is absolutely retarded that they never included it. You also have to be very careful while watching the Pilot because you have to stop it in just the right spot for it to blend into the first episode, since the Pilot was released as a “movie” for European fans who would never see the series. David Lynch had to throw together a non-sensical ending just to appease a contractual obligation for the pilot’s release abroad. This was to help ensure the ability to promote the pilot as a Movie, in case the series flopped.

Ahhh, but it was wonderful to see Josie, Shelley, Leo, Bobby, Nadine, Ed, Laura, Madeline, James, Leland, The Log Lady, Audrey,… god, EVERYONE from that series was incredible! I think it is a strange thing to have created a series that actually remains NEW and absolutely intriguing every time you watch it!

David Lynch is a master!


Carlos has a surprise date waiting for me Friday Night! I am UBER-excited and cannot wait to see what he has up his sleeve!


I had a low-key birthday. We are actually celebrating in full Thursday Night with huge gang of about 20 people gathering for cocktails and Hedda Lettuce! It’s a group Aquarian party since there are so many of us we don’t get our own days to celebrate anymore. D’oh!

Cyprus got me a very sweet and thoughtful gift of a lucite picture frame loaded with a card stating that it was a frame for “a picture of you & carlos.” HOW thoughtful was THAT!!?? She got me a very cool button-up shirt from Urban Outfitters, my favorite clothing store EVER (so far), and another picture frame, silver and magnetized. The picture frame theme was because I am recently FINALLY taking time to print all of my photos onto photo paper, and I am so glad to have some frames now!

Carlos got me a CELL PHONE! NOT ONLY DID HE GET ME A CELL PHONE, but he got me the entire plan, too! I mean, he is just paying for ALL OF IT! MONTHLY!! Is that insanely romantic and wonderful OR WHAT!!!??? Not only that, but he actually TOOK THE DAY OFF FROM WORK to come over, surprise me, and spend the bulk of the day with me for my Birthday! I was floored. Completely floored by this act of love, trust, and commitment. Wow.

I swear, Carlos makes me re-believe in the cheesy, romantic concept of Soul Mate. I love him vastly.

I wish on the world a Carlos for everyone!


I had a dream that I was dating a girl who knew I was gay, but she didn’t mind. But then I wanted to date a boy I fell in love with and things got a bit more complicated, especially when I realized I was already dating this other guy, too! Nothing dramatic happened, but there was a lot negotiation.

NOTE: Considering Nick and Cyprus are my Best Friends, and Carlos was surprisingly brought into the intimate circle, it makes sense that I would dream this.


Reading time: < 1 minute Today at 7:41pm I will turn 37 years old. It's just so bizarre and exciting getting older. It's like being in a funhouse and you never know what's going to happen next. I know the worst or the best is always possible and I know my choices contribute to which direction my path goes, so LIVING and getting older is like one big game of Tetris to me! Keep my conscious clear, assess the patterns quickly, make my choices without regret, and continue to do so, even if you make some mistakes. It's never too late to clear the space for continual building. Thank you, Soul, for this life. It continues to be a most compelling adventure! Thank you to all of my friends, clients, students, and loved ones. YAY!! What will this year bring!!?? Troy