Reading time: 8 – 14 minutes
I’ve had far more dreams and synchronicities to tell me that this life is an important life than I have tell me I was going to die at 33. So when 33 came and I had done nothing of any obvious public value, I was feeling like I used to feel when I knew my grade school homework was totally easy, but I procrastinated, didn’t do it, and chose to take the punishment over the reward.
But hey, I knew what punishment felt like. That was my life. Reward scared the hell out of me. Apparently it still does.
My vision of my death for this life has consistently been as some kind of collapse and burying under rubble, but I was ready for anything… so when the “close calls” started filing in after my 33rd Birthday, I wasn’t TOO shocked. I somehow avoided being on a subway platform when I would usually have been there and missed the gunfire that left one man dead; I managed to step back away from a standing payphone just in time for a car to smash into it; and I managed to miss my stop on the morning of 9/11 when I was to be standing at the base of the Twin Towers doing a Temp Job handing out New York Times. I survived 33.
I then turned 34, 35, 36, and soon 37. Wow.
Close calls with death can change many people’s lives, but did it change mine? Not really. I have never really lived in fear of death or lived in a race against a deadline. I’ve spent the past 17 years channeling and counseling hundreds and hundreds of clients/students and I know I have given my heart to the world on that small scale. Still, I have more to give. So what does it take to kick start a person into feeling the time is right for the next Big Thing?
For me, it wasn’t about close calls, deadlines, or death threats, it was about LIFE.
I wanted to live a certain kind of life before I commit to the Big Purpose. My sense of Purpose is maybe not a big deal to the world and maybe no one will ever even really know or care about it, but it’s a big deal to me, my heart, my soul. If I accomplish this Big Purpose, the one that has always floated around in my days since birth, it will be icing on the cake of a glorious adventure. I have the luxury of being able to procrastinate because I have an inherent trust in me and my life and if I don’t accomplish anything “significant”, I still know I LIVED.
Now it’s time. 2005. This is the year I offer my books to the world and maybe make a mark in literature or metaphysics. If not, that’s okay, I will have left a mark on my Soul’s To-Do List and that’s just fine.
Writing and publishing my books is kind of like deciding to have children. I didn’t want to do this until I was ready. I think I will become consumed to a great degree with the work they will require; the nurturing, the patience, the wait to see how they will fair in the big world. Creativity is a pregnancy and a birthing and a nurturing, whether it is the creation of children or the creation of a dream. I’m ready now.
Why is this such a big deal and why am I deciding to do this now? Well, not because of a brush with death, but because of a brush with something Bigger Than Life.
I’ve met my True Love.
I’m not being cheesy or sappy; I mean it. This is The One. I have NEVER used those words, nor have I ever even assumed them possible, but this is it. This is my last relationship. I will either die during this relationship or if we break up, it will peacefully have been my last and truest love.
Of course, I have experienced Love; I just haven’t experienced “True Love.” There are so many who offer their Love to me and in the genuine sense: unconditional and absolutely accepting. I know that. But I am talking about the rare mixture of affection, commitment, life plans, sharing, comforting, boundless intimacy, sexual, sensual fulfillment, and absolute trust. I’ve had pieces of those in a few relationships, particularly in those still in my life, such as with Johnny, Nick and Cyprus, and I’m seeing it evolve with Taren. Obviously, the sexual element isn’t necessary for Love, but I include it because in a mated relationship, Love is expressed from head to toe, so when I say I have met my True Love, that means I want to share EVERYTHING… Everything.
What I mean by “True Love” is the rarest of spaces, to me. It’s where my body gets to be included and find sanctuary, peace, and transformation. That’s why my life is different in the space of True Love. I have always felt emotionally, spiritually, intellectually absolutely safe. I know those levels of me can handle anything. Physically, however, I don’t think I have ever felt safe. I mean, the kind of safe that lets me stand naked with the lights on and with someone seeing me, saying, I love you; you are safe with me. I feel safe otherwise, for example, I can kick butt if I have to, just not naked.
I’m not one to let my past dictate my present, so I never use my past experiences of abuse as an excuse for anything, which is why I have developed such a keen sense and love for people and animals and life. But all of that is emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Somewhere along the way I forgot to grow Physically, to include my Body in the pursuit of peace, safety, and love. Instead, I stored my memories in my cells; let my body carry the burdens of the past in a way that allowed for me to free myself on higher levels.
Meeting my True Love is setting my Body free to join in that process. I can feel it. Oh, of course over the years and throughout several relationships (particularly in my relationship with Nick), I have surfaced surprising fears and issues that I was able to put to rest. With my True Love, I can feel the last limping pains and fears of the past are coming to the surface from my body and I am on the brink of a total healing. A complete recovery.
But not without some resistance.
Almost immediately upon meeting My True Love, I got a serious case of the Flu and in the middle of that my body unlayered a case of the Shingles (a resurgence of the chickenpox virus that has lain dormant)! Lovely. But I know what it’s all about and I am riding through it, dealing with the memories and fears, and being loved all along the way.
Carlos is his name.
He found me. For months he wrote me patiently, inviting me to meet. I was immediately affected by his profile, but with 30+ responses coming in each week to my personal ad, and with life going on, and the holidays approaching, I rationalized not immediately running out to him. He might not even know this, but that was what I wanted to do that moment I received my first message from him. The energy, the words, the impressions, my intuition… everything just lit up. I knew.
And I ignored it.
As I said, it’s easier for me to accept punishment than it is to embrace a reward. I had to be wrong about him.
I don’t know what gave Carlos the patience and persistence, but he kept contact with me. I will forever be grateful for that. I finally couldn’t ignore the striking feelings I was getting from his energy. I made a plan to meet.
That day was nauseating… I literally ended up making myself sick with the anticipation of meeting him. I almost cancelled, but I knew the area of greatest resistance is also the area of greatest breakthrough and something big was about to happen.
I’ll never forget the simultaneous peace and anxiety that washed over me as he turned to me when I arrived. I felt like I was on the doorstep of someplace that was always my true home, but I was also a total stranger being reunited with that home. I wanted to run inside and scream that I was HOME!!! Instead, I waited to be invited.
Carlos invited me in. I’m HOOOOMMMME!!!!
This Love doesn’t diminish the Love I experience with Nick, especially now that I see that his breaking up with me was one of the most loving things anyone has ever done. He also knew I wasn’t Home in that relationship. I’m home with him now, in a Best Friend relationship that is as rare as a True Love. I’m lucky. I now have two Best Friends directly in my life.
So now, suddenly, yet peacefully, I am more inspired than ever. I am ready to publish my books, release the wounds of my past, and embrace another layer of life I always knew may come.
I’ve waited for Carlos for a long time. I always hoped he would find me.
I know, I know… I am being melodramatic and maybe over-romanticizing the whole thing, but who the fuck cares. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But let me tell you this: I’m choosing to trust this. I’m saying Yes. If I fall on my ass, hey, I will get back up and believe again in the possibilities of life. I won’t mind. I never do.
Thank you, Carlos. I’m Home! I’m Alive!
I love you.