Reading time: 6 – 10 minutes
Yes, I did it. I went there. It’s not the first time, of course, but it was my first time while in love. It makes it look completely different now…
I went to NEW JERSEY! YAY!
Yep, the home of Boyfriend is Jersey City, New Jersey. A most recent date of Cyprus’ is also from New Jersey. The guy is apparently turning out to be pretty wonderful! So, has this been Jersey’s best-kept secret all of these years? Are they hoarding all of the true hotties and meaningful love potentials? Good Lord… Whodathunkit?
So even though I am still pretty achy and recovering, I found myself eagerly making my first steps into Carlos’ World. He has found his way to me in more ways than just traveling, so I at least needed to make my efforts to balance the load of traveling. I don’t know if it was Love, good instructions, or excellent transportation systems, but getting there was nothing. It was gentle, easy, and very direct.
I found my way to Carlos’ door and into his apartment; a discreet, quaint, simple, unassuming small palace containing one of the most beautiful souls on earth. Graced with practicality and efficiency, his home was warm, welcoming, and as inviting as his arms. Because of the timing of my arrival, I got the luxury of accidentally surprising him before his leap into the shower… sigghhhh… such a beautiful creature, towel-wrapped and giddy.
Our night led to a long walk around his neighborhood with playful banter and important talk. I got to see one of a few breathtaking views of Manhattan from a snow-crusted park near his home. Silent and glittering, it is always fascinating for me to see New York City from a distance. It generates this awe in me that is as fulfilling as it is frustrating. It reminds me of my being in love,… as I am with Carlos. That feeling of being one person divided by skin. Knowing you have to experience the dance individually, but feeling the aching to be completely one. I feel that way about two things now: New York City and Carlos. I love living IN NYC and in my relationship with Carlos,… as much as I love appreciating its beauty and enormity from a distance.
Despite my love and constant celebration of my fresh and ancient relationship with Carlos, I still have old wounds to work through. I still grieve Nick. I still fear the surrender and complete acceptance. I still resist absolute trust. It’s faint, but enough so that I find it helpful to talk about it openly with Carlos. We are both in synch with so much of our inner and outer Being that, at first, we both shared in those fears and insecurities. Suddenly, at one point, Carlos stopped exhibiting any signs of doubt, fear, worry. I still struggle; only a little, but enough.
My favorite conversation of the night (paraphrased):
Troy: “…but do you ever doubt? Doubt us? Me?”
Carlos: “No. I went through that at first, but not anymore.”
Troy: “But why? How do you feel so certain?”
Carlos: “Because of you.”
Troy: “You help me work though my insecurities and doubts, too, but it hasn’t clicked completely yet. How did you get over it so fast?”
Carlos: “Because when I think about what I want from a relationship; from a guy, I have always found pieces of that in other guys. Then I would justify or ignore the rest that didn’t fit or was negative. I would focus on the good parts and just make excuses for all the rest. After a while with you, I realized that there was only the good; only everything I wanted. Once I realized this, I was done doubting. I was yours. It can’t get better than this; than you.”
Troy: [is then revived from a snow pile after passing out from the overwhelming moment of love]
I fell in love with him all over again that night.
As I do every night.
The rest of the long evening was spent being playful, eating fast food, plastic-coating his drafty windows, and playing Simpson’s: Road Rage! WHAT A FUN GAME!!! (I won)
[sick of] LOVE
Okay, Okay, I know a lot of you are probably sick to death of my ooo-ing and ahhh-ing over Carlos and my relationship, but hey,… seriously, enjoy it. If you find other people’s expression and celebration of love to be annoying, boring, or tiring, I feel for you. It’s like listening to someone talk about how much money he spent shopping that day when you have very little money.
But Love is not the same as Money. Love is in your life whether you accept it or not; whether it is in the shape you demand or not. Love is vital in a human’s life and you would not be alive without it. Somehow, somewhere, someone LOVES you. In the true sense of the word.
Most of us wait for a perfected, intimate relationship to magically make us feel loved. But what most don’t realize is that the doorway in your life for such a relationship is created from the acknowledgement of the love you ALREADY HAVE.
Yeah, I still distrust. I still denigrate myself instead of accepting Love from every source, sometimes severely, most of the time secretly and unconsciously. But I have worked on it. I have to CONSCIOUSLY and with EFFORT choose Love when the voices of protection inside of me tell me that it’s not safe or that I will be wounded again.
I have to choose Love.
Even in the midst of my doubt, fear, and grief, I assume those parts are all a part of Love. They are just the parts of me who forgot the possibilities, the parts who went numb, or the parts who equated love with pain. When I assume my distrust, denigration, and doubt are all INSIDE the experience of accepting Love, I then listen to those parts of me and I soothe them. I educate myself. I say that it is okay, but let’s try something different this time. Just to see…
Just to see…
And eventually I will get there.
And so will you, if you are not there already.
I haven’t remembered my dreams the past couple of nights, but Carlos did.
He dreamt that Taren, He, and I were in a completely different apartment that was his home. We were having an excellent time just being silly and fun. He remembered the apartment was high in the sky, so much so that the clouds were passing by the windows and he felt he could reach out and touch them if he could reach through the windows. At some point his Ex showed up with a few friends. His Ex was on good behavior, but the dynamic of the group changed, even though we continued to have fun. Eventually, his Ex made a snide comment about something to which Carlos simply, gracefully laughed it off, letting it go. Again his Ex made another comment, to which Carlos then commented that it was inappropriate. This continued to escalate to the point where Carlos suddenly punched his Ex in the stomach! His Ex fell to the floor and Carlos apologized, but said that it was important for the Ex to keep himself in check. The Ex got up after this and the rest of the time he behaved himself and all was well.
We thought this was a very interesting dream, especially in light of our discussion about doubtful, interfering voices. Carlos’ Ex was that symbolic voice and Carlos played out his patience and then his conclusive stance to keep that doubt in check, transforming it into a pleasant acquaintance, instead of as a nuisance and interruption.