18 + 18 = The Same (but different)

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Well, to say the least, having contact from my abusive mother after about 18 years was enlightening. There is definitely a closure to a major chapter from my history; like a chapter that kept having to be referenced as I continued on with my life, but now has no real relevance anymore. I’m done.

There are three things that have brought me to a point of great healing:

1. The current good people in my life. Carlos is one of the most amazing guys I could EVER have dreamed possible as a boyfriend; Nick who has transformed from an excellent Boyfriend, not into an Ex, but into a Best Friend; and of course, Cyprus… Each of these people have directly taught me the meaning of Trust and Love in a way that got through to me.

2. My recent reunion with my Brother over the phone. For the first time in 18 years I finally “got it” that the kid who endured so much… was ME. Part of my healing process was naturally dividing my current adult self from the little kid, and I felt SO bad for “him.” But I felt almost as if the past had happened to someone else. In talking to my brother, something clicked in me and I realized that the little kid was actually ME. Everything that had happened to him, had actually happened to ME. I know that may sound very strange and simple, but it was very profound for me to experience that acknowledgement and integration. It was as if my little kid self was no longer trapped in the past for me to feel sorry about, but that he was brought forth into adulthood with me where it is safe.

3. And finally, this recent reunion with the actual monster who was my mother. To make a long story short, her contact simply picked up where she left off 18 years ago. No love, no warmth, no interest in healing our past… she simply started attacking and antagonizing. I think I did hope for some kind of softness to have come to her over the years, but the energy and expression of who she is, is just stuck in a place that does not allow for us to have a relationship of any kind. Instead of greeting me with a long-coming embrace, she immediately launched into threats of legal repercussions for my mentioning her in my blog and showing pictures of my past. She dismissed my efforts to show her updated pictures of myself since “she already knows what I look like.” She has not responded in any way to my gentle search for healing of our past. Just attacks, threats, and accusations as if I am completely invisible and merely a punching bag.

Well, I include this reunion with her as part of my final healing because I realized with such absolute relief that my healing is not dependent on her acceptance of me. Her brief return to my life is almost comical, even if a bit sad. With this recent opportunity, I can quietly, genuinely just say goodbye to my mother and leave her behind.

I am not even angry or even very sad about this (though I did mourn the reality of that loss a little bit). I feel she is beyond my ability to help, and I see her more as wounded than as evil.

I do love her, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to feel so peaceful and understanding, but I do wish for her some kind of freedom from the hostility she experiences so powerfully.

It’s strange that I lived in hell for 18 years before escaping, and then I lived for 18 years building my own heaven before she found me again. I like what I became and what I wish to continue toward.

So that’s that…

Now let’s go play!!

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