Reading time: 6 – 9 minutes
It’s no secret that one of the four who were teetering on the fence of my life was Nick, but I now choose to surrender to my friendship with him this early, early morning.
I love him. He loves me. It’s really just that simple and to make it more complicated than that is missing the point. Right?
In light of such dismissive and callous behavior from others, I’ve seen Nick’s feelings and love for our friendship really stand up against some very serious blows. I’ve decided I just don’t have the energy or the desire to drive or maintain a wedge of resentment between us.
Of course, this wedge began long ago when I felt so lonely while dating him. I poured my heart into that damn relationship and contorted my heart into a state of meditation as I waited for SOMETHING… ANYTHING to begin to feel something like a real boyfriend relationship. He finally came clean after four years that he only felt “platonic” toward me. Ummm, that feels real nice. (What is it with people downgrading their relationships with me??!!) So after all of that, I’ve had a really hard time accepting having been dumped (yeah, and I get dumped a lot, too, huh – in fact, twice by Nick) and then immediately made into a friend and then, without skipping a beat, having to deal with several very sensitive issues that have truly enraged me over time as they have recently, finally become gutted out into the open of our relationship. Those issues are still not resolved by any means, but I am realizing I am happier to resolve them than I am to run away from them.
So for what it’s worth, I’m done questioning my relationship with Nick and living under the pressure of resentment. I’m not sure how to shake it completely, but I am trying. I’d love to write more about the outstanding issues, but I want to honor his preference for some amount of privacy. I am writing all the way up the edge of the issues, but I’ll stop right there and work out the rest with him.
My GOD, this is such an emotionally discombobulating year!! I’m about to just go crazy.
But then, it’s all so exciting, too! I mean, isn’t this the point? These kinds of adventures in life? I mean think about it: Wow. I get dumped by a very good friend for no reason after nearly 3 years; I’m on the verge of disowning my ex-boyfriend-come-best-friend because certain lines were WAY crossed, but then I just grit my teeth and choose to do my best to turn that all around…
Okay, and then I have the number 3 of the 4, which is pretty much moot now. I can scratch that off the list of teeters now, too. After nearly 5 months of effort to resolve that situation, and with the expression of confusion from that other party that he was surprised there was a problem at all (oh it is so easy to say there is no problem when you created the damn problem in the first place), I have decided to relegate that potential “friendship” to mere acquaintence status and just let it be. Whatever. We can just as easily have fun as acquaintences. I don’t really mind and I really have no hard feelings on that one.
And then the big number 4 of 4… Whoosh! I’m sure there will be a more thorough update about that at some point, but for now, I am still in limbo, at the mercy of his pace and process, but I can now say, after a tedious uphill climb, that there seems to be something good, or at least civil, evolving out of our efforts.
So, isn’t this exciting!?
You know, one of my characteristics that is as exploited as it is unnoticed is that as soon as a person makes ANY effort to resolve a conflicting situation, that conflict is halfway diffused for me just by that effort!
I tend to forget very easily; like a dog. Well, I forget,… but only as long as the situation doesn’t happen again. As soon as there is even a HINT of a repeated pattern, everything is recalled in minute detail, along with the emotions that laced it all together. I think that’s fair, though. I’m not stupid. We still learn from the past, even if we don’t have to live there.
Okay, so it seems this year I am my own favorite Lifetime Television Movie of the Week!
So this was a bit lighter and happier entry. I’m not one to avoid the dark stuff of life, but it’s nice to always know that a balance is well within reach.
And throughout all of this, I have the love of my life, Carlos, walking beside me even as I meander and stumble in my emotional drunkeness, smiling warmly at me and reminding me that Loving is actually a very easy thing to do, if you really want to do it.
And Cyprus, the crowning memory of this life, proving at every turn that there is a reason for the phrase “Best Friend.” I should mention here that Cyprus is the one whose friendship broke my own rule against using the word “best” to describe a friend. I hated the idea of having a Best Friend, because that would mean someone else would feel “not-Best” if he or she ever became my friend. I managed for years to make everyone into a friend, even if I didn’t have a best one. Then I learned what it meant to have one, and I now, freely recognize what it takes to own that title. It’s a beautiful phrase and it doesn’t have to be limited to one person. But even if you end this life with only one, it makes all the difference.
Even though I’m being dumped and dissed left and right, it’s nice to know that even I have more than one Best Friend: Thank you for that, Nick.