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I am dead tonight.
Barely breathing and totally broken.
I am imploding. The worst of my darkest fear has revisited my surface world. I always feel it clawing at me from the inside, ripping into my thin world of smiles and laughs, choking me even as I long for a hug.
The truest love I have ever felt for me is now gone.
I will never
let anyone close to me again.
I will walk with my efforts to be happy and to understand the larger patterns of things and continue to love as best I can, but I am concluded. I am closed.
It seems my mother was right.
I am ultimately unloveable.
This is what I say tonight, inside, as I lie here bleeding from every ray of my soul, but I never think I will bounce back, and I always do.
I always do.
But just a little less higher. I don’t know if I have any bounce left this time.
I guess I will find out.
In the end, he knows he will always be loved.
They always do.