The Unloveable Dead

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I am dead tonight.

Barely breathing and totally broken.

I am imploding. The worst of my darkest fear has revisited my surface world. I always feel it clawing at me from the inside, ripping into my thin world of smiles and laughs, choking me even as I long for a hug.

The truest love I have ever felt for me is now gone.

I will never

NEVER

EVER

let anyone close to me again.

I will walk with my efforts to be happy and to understand the larger patterns of things and continue to love as best I can, but I am concluded. I am closed.

It seems my mother was right.

I am ultimately unloveable.

This is what I say tonight, inside, as I lie here bleeding from every ray of my soul, but I never think I will bounce back, and I always do.

I always do.

But just a little less higher. I don’t know if I have any bounce left this time.

I guess I will find out.

In the end, he knows he will always be loved.

They always do.

8 thoughts on “The Unloveable Dead”

  1. Oh, Troy, my heart breaks for you. Maybe I’m just talking outta my ass here but this thought came to me to share, so take it for what it’s worth to you…

    Those of us who love freely and unconditionally, and lavish that on those we love, often trigger defenses in our loved ones that are completely insensible to us. Unconditional love can feel like a great burden to some people, possibly because they then feel the need to live up to the expectations they think we have for continuing to love them. I know from my own experience that this is fear-based, like all of our human defenses… it’s just that this kind of fear and non-acceptance of love is alien to people like us.

    One of the things I’ve observed about people like this is that they are often psychically sensitive and tend to perceive the energy we put out as intended to manipulate. I think their perception comes from being shaped by CONDITIONAL love when they were children or young adults.

    Another thing about “people like us” is that sometimes our energy IS manipulative (without our conscious intention) as we can’t help but try to break through our loved ones’ barriers and get them to open up to the exchange of love and energy that we experience naturally. I can’t imagine being any other way, and I bet you can’t either… but for people who don’t already experience life and love this way, being asked to do so can be perceived as a real threat.

    That’s it for the armchair quarterback today… if nothing else, I hope knowing that my thoughts are with you offers some comfort.

    With love,
    Tara

  2. Oh yeah, one more thing… been thinking about needs lately, too, and wondering if this kind of dynamic shows up because I (you?) seek exchange and intimacy as a primary need, while others may be more focused on meeting other needs that easily conflict with exchange (e.g., security, freedom, power). They may not want, seek or value intimacy/exchange the same way I do, and can feel trapped, inadequate, resentful, etc. when I keep expecting them to supply it.

    [Geez, I missed my calling as Dear Abby.] All the best to you!

  3. Tara, your words are extremely meaningful to me right now. They seem to fit the scenario perfectly. I don’t know if he would agree, but I know I can be a HUGE inconvenience to someone’s life. In the midst of my being able to love so purely and innocently, I also burden my boyfriend with the wounds I carry that will eventually prove he can never love me as much as I love him. I know I do that and I want the pattern to break. Both Nick and Carlos have been two of the most amazing, loving, embracing guys I have ever known and I managed to force each of them into proving that I am right, that I am more a burden than a value.

    This sucks.

    I am so disoriented right now, but I will get my bearings soon; I hope.

    Thank you, Tara.

    HUG!

  4. To Tara
    Sympathy makes it easy for people to remain as they are: Pathetic. People, when they are seeking attention through sympathy, are being pathetic. Everyone does it from time to time. Some more than others. Do not allow a person to make a habit of seeking sympathy from you when all they need is confidence!

  5. Ignore the nasty part of “Anonymous”‘s post, and take heart in the good part–you will get your confidence back. After all, you’ve had a period in each of your relationships that are meaningful. Breaking up sucks, and unfortunately, most people are cowards.
    “I dare you to take me on” should be your mantra

  6. To Anonymous:
    I don’t understand why you would begrudge someone a few kind words that might give comfort during a painful time, or find value in demeaning others. If that makes us pathetic in your world, I can only be glad that the opinion of someone who seeks attention and confidence from tearing other people down means nothing to me.

    Pity makes it easy for people to remain as they are. Empathy and sympathy help people grow from a painful experience as they remember they are not alone and that the world continues to turn through grief and pain.

    Confidence arises from growth and success and connecting with others, not from pretending to be too cool to cry.

    Sharing experiences with others is healthy. Tearing someone else down to falsely build your own self-image is pathetic. I hope you find a better way some day.

  7. First off, ANONYMOUS, the only person who mentioned “sympathy” was you. I took Tara’s words as EMPATHY, which is a quality you sorely lack. Look it up.

    Second, the thing I love about all of my friends, which I learned last night in the midst of a grand gathering of support, is that NONE of them pity me or coddle me. I have wise friends (for the most part) and words like Tara’s are reminders to help regain footing, not cliche statements of pity offered as empty courtesy.

    I posted my DEAD entry for the pure sake of getting it out of my system. Do you realize how many people feel this same way and never speak it for fear of people like you turning it against them?

    Healing can sometimes be a messy process! It can’t be contained by smiles and niceties, especially when the wound runs deep and wide and across time. There are a lot of walking wounded and I prefer to heal and be in the embrace of people who care and empathize, rather than be shunned because I lack perfection and convenience.

    And let me tell you: it takes so much more confidence to be free with your emotions and honest about your wounds than it takes to present a false persona of calloused confidence.

    A person who lacks empathy is a person who lacks experience and insight. A person who witholds kindness and compassion toward the wounded as a means to uphold convenience and enforce false confidence is a person who is deeply, privately, and maybe even permanently, broken or trapped.

    I never want to be that way, so forgive me for calling out my pathetic cries to the universe and to my friends. I’m back on my feet in no time, while you remain clinging to something painfully cold and old and asleep inside you.

    But it’s never too late to make a difference. Try it! It’s so liberating, Anonymous!

    Troy

  8. YOu are not unlovable, because I love you (and apparently so does Tara :-) Don’t let this break you – it is an opportunity for growth.

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