R. I. P. Carlos and Troy

Reading time: 4 – 6 minutes

Jan. 3, 2005 – Aug. 29, 2005

I already knew this was over, but tonight it became official. A most beautiful, loving, kind, sensitive, and powerful relationship has been put to rest tonight. I am still in shock, I am sure, but all will be okay.

Sitting in my pajamas on my rooftop high in the sky, a twinkling cool breeze messing my hair about, and through lots of walls, anger, and defensiveness, eventually turning to tears, surrender, and acceptance, both Carlos and I said a final Goodnight.

Over the phone.

My “Goodnights” over the past year have been nestled in the happiness of knowing I would hear from Carlos the next day, but this final Goodnight was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to say or do.

What could have turned terribly ugly was righted and ended in the best possible way it could. We didn’t destroy everything we had experienced in our relationship. The love was as real as it could be and as genuine as it could be. I worked very hard in our final conversation to keep that intact for both of us as I struggled against all of my pain to make sure that Carlos knows he is loved, even as he chooses to walk away.

I will miss him so much, but I can let go.

Someday, somehow, someone will find what I am… and want me, love me, and keep me.

I can’t believe I am already getting asked out on dates “now that I am single again.” I’m at once thrilled and nauseated by it. This past weekend has been almost absurdly riddled with boys coming out of the woodwork, some even contacting me online from out of nowhere. It seems several guys with whom I had made contact through my personal ads online from before I met Carlos have been keeping tabs on me through my blog and are now swooping in for the kill! YIKES! I just need a little space before I even consider being available again.

My “emergency pity party” I had the other night was also encouraging for me. Just because the love of my life seems to have discarded me so easily, doesn’t mean I am anything less than everything I am and maybe I’m not so repulsive as I feel right now.

None of these guys mean anything to me, even though several have been really sweet in their approach. But when I love, I love deeply and no one is, nor ever can be, just replaced. Some people are the kind of people who can have one of their pets die and then immediately rush out to replace it, as if only the presence of a warm body is enough. I could never do that. Carlos was more than a warm body; I thought he was going to be the final love of my life. How can I suddenly shift all of that energy toward a new person right now? Well, I can’t.

I will want and need a real person with whom to build a new relationship sometime in the future, but I don’t just want a body to help me forget. I will love again, though.

I always do.

Sure, I can move on, let go, and love again, and I will,… but give me a second to catch my breath.

Until then, these tears and the sounds of my sadness are just more notes in the symphony of what I call my life.

SONG OF THE DAY (again):

by Lisa Germano

Pulled the rug under me
And you set me free
Walk around feel the floor
Who could ask for more?
Pull away, pull away
It could rain all day
In the house with the hard wood floors

A little sad, a little strong
Put a raincoat on
Dance around loneliness
Be a silly mess
It’s ok
Be afraid
Could be fun that way
In the house with the hard wood floors

Wall to wall
Back to back
Show the things we lack
Push me down
I don’t care
I’m as light as air
Twirl around
Take the floor
Twirl around some more
Pull away, pull away

Lighten up
Bright as day
As they pull away
Pull away, pull away
It could rain all day
All alone in the house
I prefer this way
In the house with the hard wood floors

2 thoughts on “R. I. P. Carlos and Troy”

  1. “I thought he was going to be the final love of my life.”

    In place of my usual Dear-Abbyism, I just want to highlight this phrase for your consideration (meditation?). It leaped off the page to me. Something to do with Attachment & Qualities that you need (I think).

    I’ve been using this concept to keep me from going nuts as I stop myself from clinging to a person I can’t imagine living without, yet cannot “stake a claim” on because of my existing partnership (which I don’t want to lose, either).

    You are a beautiful person and I know you know how much you are loved.

  2. Tara, you are absolutely right about the “Attachment,” “Symbol,” and “Quality” aspects of this painful equation. My “Boyfriend” is always given the ultimate status of representing just exactly how truly loveable I am. He Symbolizes LOVE and MY WORTH. If that Symbol is gone, then LOVE and MY WORTH are gone.

    Of course, you and I both know that LOVE and WORTH are never gone or affected, but the forms change, come and go, grow, but LOVE and WORTH are never things that can be gone or taken away.

    If one grows Attached to the Symbol, that’s when the pain is felt.

    Sure, I haven’t entirely learned to detach the Qualities from the Symbols, but I did a pretty good job this time, with Carlos.

    I do know that Love and My Worth are not for what I grieve. I grieve for the loss of Carlos, plain and simple. My Worth and Love will continue, but Carlos is gone.

    And I miss him.

    Thanks for the observations and sharing of your own experiences, Tara! You always help!


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