Reading time: 13 – 21 minutes
Following a successful Halloween and Christmas Party of 2004, we rung in the New Year with a massive houseful of guests.
After months of pursuit, I finally agree to meet Carlos on January 2nd or 3rd at East of Eighth. It was an extremely happy occasion that I will never forget. I called him My True Love. I was convinced beyond doubt that we were what we had both been seeking. I had never been so convinced, nor had I ever even thought like that before. However, I did keep part of my consciousness with some practical footing and I wrote prophetically, “If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But let me tell you this: I’m choosing to trust this. I’m saying Yes. If I fall on my ass, hey, I will get back up and believe again in the possibilities of life. I won’t mind. I never do.”
In the middle of January I developed a severe case of the Flu and a severe case of Shingles! Shingles should have been a scarring, destructive disease, but thanks to my metaphysical, alternative approach to its healing, the experience was almost immediately (relatively speaking) reduced in pain and in duration and I was left with only minor effects in the end. Today, where the Shingles were the worst, it appears like a faded birthmark.
On January 20, I turned 37.
I began my experiences of New Jersey for the first time, really, as I began to date Carlos and venture out on the “salsa bus” to see him.
A major “Aquarii” Party is thrown at East of Eighth for all of the Aquarians we know. It was a total success and everyone adores Carlos, my new boyfriend.
January 30th, the morning after Nick’s birthday party in our apartment, through sheer luck, Cyprus awakes to find our living room engulfed in flames and smoke at around 5am. Naked, we both fought the fire, losing a couch and a vintage vinyl chair, leaving severe damage to our ceiling and walls. We were incredibly lucky. I will always credit her for saving our lives.
I discover a gaggle of boys from Arizona who are blogging. I begin developing a very strong, strange, close connection to one boy in particular, Parley. Later, I discover that one of the bloggers is the son of one my current clients/students/friends and that the boy I am developing the great friendship with online is actually the ex-boyfriend of that son!
Just a month into our dating, Carlos leaves the country for 8 days, and I succumb to all kinds of insecurity and doubt.
Baby Girl passes away after 17 years of friendship with Cyprus and most of those years with me.
I continue to spiral into grief over missing Carlos and he is unable, or chooses not, to contact me during most of that time. I take it very personally, but deal with it.
Carlos finally returns and our reunion is lackluster after such anticipation and excitement on my part. I try not to take it personally.
Jeffrey has a major blowout and tantrum in the middle of his chaotic birthday gathering at THERAPY, stomping away in the middle of it all.
Several of us attend the first annual Social Club gathering that takes place in a warehouse in DUMBO. It was fun and I am first exposed to JESSICA WOOD, a most hilarious comedienne who made me laugh so hard I almost vomited.
Cyprus begins dating John.
My abusive, violent, hateful Mother contacts me for the first time in over 18 years. It does not go well. Within a few emails she returns to a threatening and hateful stance, leaving me with the realization that I will never have a relationship with her in this life.
I have a reunion with my best friend EVER, Pluto, my dog who died a few years ago. I had expected a lot of dreams of him over the years, but had NONE! I had my first dream of him at this time.
I spend Saint Patrick’s Day with Deandra and gang, trapped in PIG n WHISTLE near Times Square. New friendships are forged then, and I now adore my pal, John C who came from that night! YAY!
On the heels of the reunion with my Mother, in the midst of resolving old issues about her abuse, I discover a cheesy band called ABUSING TROY, of all things! LOL!
I write a very detailed article about the myth of AIDS and it received quite well by my blog readers!
Carlos is back a little more than a month from his last trip and he leaves again for another country with his best friend. I am not thrilled.
FAT ACTRESS becomes a favorite TV show.
We get to see AUNTIE MAME on the big screen.
I wish my boyfriend a Happy Birthday while he celebrates in another country.
Jeffrey’s friends have complained that the tantrum was not a new situation and I try to help. This is not received well and I don’t hear from Jeffrey for months.
I “fall in love all over again” with Carlos as he returns from Cancun.
I begin writing reviews for NEW YORK COOL.
We get to see VENUS HUM perform at Pianos!
Carlos and I see ANNIE HALL on the big screen!
I begin promoting the formation of my courses, “WHOLENESS OF SOUL 2005”
Parley pulls the plug on our friendship because I have unwittingly and unknowingly offended him through a blog comment and I am strangely devastated by this rejection.
I get to see MOMMIE DEAREST on the big screen!
Cyprus and John become official “boyfriend/girlfriend.”
I begin to attract what we now call our “blog haters,” which are people who actively read your blog, but viciously and hostilely condemn and attack you on a regular basis.
I reunite with my brother after nearly 15 years. It goes very well and a great amount of healing is done that I never even knew was needed.
New Favorite TV Show is THE COMEBACK with Lisa Kudrow!
I get to preview MARCH OF THE PENGUINS, which was amazing, and I get to see MYSTERIOUS SKIN, which is the first time we get to hear ROBIN GUTHRIE of Cocteau Twins in a long time, as he did the soundtrack! Gorgeous and haunting.
Taren suddenly informs me that she has no interest in remaining my friend, with no explanation. She walks completely out of my life.
I find a home for CREATION, my Boa Constrictor. I raised him from a baby for 9 years, but find I can no longer feed or care for him properly.
Despite the horrible conditions of my friendships with Parley and Jeffrey, Nick begins to hang out with both! I add Nick to my list of people who are lacking the very basics of understanding what friendship really is.
I begin writing about “the 4” people who were causing me the most grief in life at the time: Jeffrey, Parley, Nick, and Taren. Things look irresolvable for most of us.
Against the grain of my frustration, I make a commitment to heal what I have with Nick.
Fourth of July is hosted by me and Cyprus on our rooftop and it is very casual and fun with the night ending rather early.
I deal with more “blog haters” and have to revise my list of blog links as it is discovered that some were fake bloggers and others just stopped writing and others just dissed me.
Cyprus and I begin our packing after finding a potential apartment in Williamsburg.
The WHOLENESS OF SOULS course begins.
My concern over Carlos’s feelings and love for me escalates internally, even as he smiles in reassurance that there is nothing wrong.
Carlos takes me to see DURAN DURAN live in NJ somewhere.
I get to see ESTHERO live at IRVING PLAZA!
Cyprus’s grandmother dies. Cyprus leaves for Wisconsin just before our move.
I move our entire apartment by myself, spending my days unpacking and settling into new apartment in Williamsburg. I unpack with a sense of depression and sadness that is catching up with me from the months before.
I adjust to life in Williamsburg, starting off the month with a nice time at STAIN with Aileen and Cyprus.
Carlos informs me that he has made plans for me to join him on a weekend trip to the beach and a wedding. I surrender to the plans and am extremely excited to go. It was one of the most fun weekends with him, ever, and I was in bliss.
August 21st, Carlos plans a date with me to which he eventually informs me he cannot do. His reasons make no sense and his reaction to my concern was hostile.
Carlos dumps me. No reasons given. No discussions. No emotion. I am just dumped. Through Instant Messenger. I never hear or see Carlos again.
I feel a surge of hate that I haven’t felt in forever. I feel a dark depression that was already in full swing due to the earlier losses of the year.
I call for an Emergency Pity Party that turns out to be one the best things I could have possibly done. I get to laugh and be around people who cared about me and a tremendous healing was set into motion.
Katrina hits the South.
In my new freedom as a single boy, I am going out more. I stumble upon a crack head who is holding a dog hostage, threatening to kill him if someone doesn’t buy the dog. I buy the dog, call him LITTLE, and eventually find him a home.
I buy my first new bed, EVER.
I endure the sadness of my “month-iversary” passing without Carlos and Taren’s birthday coming and going, reminding me of so many losses.
I begin to heal my friendship with Jeffrey, not through intelligent and important conversation, but by dismissing its importance altogether. Everything was too much by this time.
Johnny moves in, bringing his young doggie, LuLu.
The month is filled to lots of emotional vomit.
I revive my passion for THE HAZZARDS and begin seeing them regularly, developing a “number one fan” relationship with them!
I get to see ALAN SPARHAWK of LOW at LIT, and spend time talking with him after the show!
Nick and I continue to struggle toward peace.
Nick begins dating others.
I hate it.
Six Feet Under ends.
Three people quit the WHOLESOULS COURSE who were previously quite close to me. Because of the nature of the course, a lot is brought to the surface for examination, and their leaving the course was a defense against that examination. Since leaving the course, not one of the three have responded to my emails or calls.
7paths.com reincarnates as TruthLoveEnergy.com
It announced that ALIAS is cancelled.
We see METRIC in concert; twice!
We see Dead Can Dance in concert for the first time, EVER!
I meet Scottie Scooter, a fellow blogger.
Parley and I secretly begin healing our rift. We add each other to our links again.
Me and my gaggle to go SOCE’s official release party for his CD, THE LEMONADE INCIDENT!
Cyprus, Nick, Johnny and I go to City Harvest and meet famous chefs while despising the politics of charity.
I am photographed and even added to THE HAZZARDS blog! YAY!
I spend a night out at Pyramid with Deandra and gang for Madonna-thon and meet Christian, the first boy with whom I consider going out on an official date.
I spend most of Halloween out and about, alone, meeting strangers and having fun, but find I am joined by Hedda Lettuce and Fabio for lots of silliness and laughs!
I begin photographing graffiti.
I go on my “official date” with Christian, but I am terribly unready for it, so I am emotionally and physically guarded. Within 20 minutes of my sitting down at my date with Christian, Nick shows up at the same restaurant with his friend and they sit at the table next to us. AWKWARD! Christian and I go to see THE HAZZARDS and the show is dedicated to CocteauBoy as the unofficial Gay Boyfriend of the band! LOL
I tell Christian I am just not ready to date, eventually realizing this was not about whether I was ready to date, but that I knew we were just not a match for some reason I couldn’t explain. I hope to remain friends with him because I really really like him so much. He’s very kind, beautiful, sexy, and patient. I cannot figure out for the life of me why I felt so guarded with him and why I was not open, but I had to trust myself.
I get to see BROADCAST in concert at Webster Hall!
Nick officially stops dating others as he tries to focus on healing our friendship and our past. This news oddly comes as a huge impact of testimony about his true love for me and I feel incredibly freed. I don’t want him NOT to date others, but this choice on his part meant something more important than I would ever have guessed.
Within the week, I meet a boy. We have amazing rapport and conversation. He freaks out on me because he is not used to talking to someone like me, he says. Our conversation turns quite intimate and as I am an uncensored and genuine kind of guy, he is completely thrown off guard. He is desperately trying to figure me out, but he says he cannot, because he isn’t used to someone being so real, so fast. He is completely smitten with me, but then suddenly fears I am completely a fraud and that I am too good to be true. He abruptly decides to abandon our conversation, leaving me standing in shock. I stand there, processing this for about 30 seconds before feeling the impulse to chase him down. I do. He turns to me and I can see he is happy I did so. We confront his sudden behavior and the strange intimacy escalates to the point where I go home with him. I have NEVER IN MY LIFE gone home with anyone EVER! We make out for hours, but I sleep on his couch because his apartment is too hot. I awake with a severe hangover, throwing up in his bathroom over and over again. I should feel humiliated, but I feel completely free from judgment and his only concern was my well-being. It is this morning that I know he is my next boyfriend.
I find on my camera from that night that I had taken a photo of graffiti reading, “It’s all about the moment.”
I go M.I.A. in my blog writing.
I begin dating the boy, tentatively, with resistance and no strings. His compassion, patience, kindness, words, behavior, tastes, stories, history, time, and everything… begins to reveal a beautiful synchronicity with me and my life.
I am terrified, but I choose to walk into this.
My relationship with the boy escalates into something more and more comfortable and serious.
I begin an addiction to the series 24, and have watched Seasons 1 and part of 2, now.
The boy I am dating is leaving for Texas to be with friends and family over the holidays. After much thought, on the night before he leaves, I invite him to be my boyfriend. He accepts. He is elated. I am, too, despite my terror.
“Dear Jane” aka “A” ends her relationship with “F” in a flurry of vindictiveness and pain, but with newfound strength and conviction that will ultimately help her life, but “F’s Assistant” is thrown into the picture against her will and choice, and with much to “F’s Assistant’s” shock and surprise. “F’s Assistant” takes the high road and seeks to understand and help “A,” instead of responding with anger and hurt. I love “F’s Assistant” for that quality. We now await to see if she still has her job. “A” is spending New Year’s Eve with us. I hope the new year brings a new start to her confidence, maturity, and love for life and herself. I want her to be happy.
My ex-boyfriend Jimmy (of nearly 20 years ago) moves to Germany and begins his own blog.
Christmas passes uneventfully for the first time in my life.
It is now New Year’s Eve.
I will call 2005 “THE YEAR OF LOSS.”
So here we are: Nick and I continue to build a life together with a new foundation. Johnny struggles to adapt back into New York City life and work. I still have not met Parley. Fabio faces the fact that he has to leave the country against his will. Cyprus continues to build her relationship with John. “A” cancels New Year’s Eve with us, and “F’s Assistant” still faces a Monday morning start of a New Year by dealing with the consequences of “A’s” choices. And… tomorrow, my new boyfriend returns with some amount of fear that I am ambivalent about our relationship.
I take a deep, loving breath… and step into the new year.
AND SO 2005 ends, and 2006 begins…