I Need You So Much Closer

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Life is never just Black & White, but filled with a spectrum of shades, hues, and colors that help blend into even the most contrasting of moments. I’m walking into that bridge between colors today as I adjust to the shock of contrast between the naive assumption of everlasting Love, and the reality of the ebb and flow of relationships.

Clem broke up with me last night. Over the phone.

This morning he stopped by to bring my stuff from his apartment and to take back his things left here, before he scampers off to his Fire Island vacation. It’s amazing how quickly two lives can become entangled in such a way, like secret threads of each other represented in Things… weaving in and out of each other’s space. If this happens on the physical level, it must happen on the emotional and intellectual levels, too.

And this is why these divisions hurt so much: the pulling apart of interwoven lives; the unraveling of everything that was intended. We gather up the yarn of our wishes and wants and try to make something different from that.

I’m writing that Life is “never just Black & White” because it wouldn’t be fair to portray Clem as having done something wrong or horrible or hurtful. That wasn’t his intention and I believe he is telling the truth about how much he really loves me… despite the fact that he no longer wants to be my boyfriend.

I’ve heard this before, which is why I am surrounded by Exes now standing as Best Friends.

I love you, Clemente. I will really miss us…

…a lot.

4 thoughts on “I Need You So Much Closer”

  1. “There is ever some madness in Love.
    But equally ever some reason in madness.”
    Nietzsche, “Thus Spake Zarathustra” pp33

  2. Troy, I am so sorry this worked out this way. I know that you understand this stuff better than most people, and keep your exes as friends, but I also know it hurts you terribly as well. Sometimes what a person intends does not matter so much. At least not when the hurt is new and raw. If I step on your foot and break your toes, they swell the same way whether it was an accident or I did it on purpose. Take some time to greive and let the people who love you soothe your hurt.

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