Reading time: 13 – 22 minutes
Okay… I am back… (my god, has it been that long?) and in one fell swoop, I will try to update my lil blog o love about the happenin’s of my life… it’s been pretty good, but exhausting. I know I had better get back to blogging when the gorgeous Jane Doe starts hunting me down!
Still adapting to a new life without the immediate presence of my friends. Still adapting to living with someone completely new who does not have the same life or lifestyle as I. Still adapting to not being able to call home, “home.” Lying low in my bedroom to make as little a footprint as possible in a space that is not mine. Still adapting to the intense depressions and upsets that regularly beset my roommate’s life, which require considerable amounts of energy and time to maneuver. Still adapting to the more-constant-than-should-be-necessary need to communicate my hygiene and space boundaries with a roommate who finds it is entirely acceptable to use other people’s toiletries, drying off on my towel, or using my bar of soap, forcing me to have to bring up the issue in awful, awkward moments (for me) that then lead to his simply writing me off as “uptight” and “neurotic.” Still adapting to living with someone who finds it entirely acceptable to throw trash on the floor and counter, leave rotting food in the sink, put away dishes with coagulated and crusty dog food on them, and tossing empty plastic bags on the floor. I had to buy a new, separate set of silverware because I cannot eat off of a spoon that has been used to scrape out gelatinous, soggy meat from a cheap can of dog food and then left to encrust over it. I have to keep my towel, my soap, my toothbrush, my silverware, all separate and protected. I am not used to having to live like this.
I really miss having a sense of home, and it is shocking for me deal with issues I feel are fairly NORMAL to want, such as a clean home and not wanting someone else’s body hair on my bar of soap, but my roommate just thinks I have issues.
On the bright side, we get along wonderfully and have great conversations… but then that is even a bit tainted as he explains to me that his only concern in relating to other people is what he can take from them, not in what he has to offer, so he has explained to me that my presence and personality are the only things allowing him to treat me in any decent manner. It makes me very nervous that if the winds change, or if I am not in a mood to make the effort to make him feel better for the day, I would easily be completely disregarded. I feel everyday as if I am living on the thin ice of his ego.
I can write about this pretty freely as none of this would come as a shock to him. It’s not some harboring secret. I’m very good about communicating and we do communicate very well. We have had our discussions about the issues and while he DOES make efforts to accommodate my preferences, he just thinks most of it is silly. He has a very foreign philosophy from my own.
On the good side he is very talented and while his motivations may be selfish, he really is a kind person to me, so it’s the closest to home I have right now.
- TRUTH LOVE ENERGY
My work with my counseling and channeling has taken a back seat to some extent, but only as a means to adjust my direction with it. My focus is moving almost entirely in the direction of the publication of my first books, so I have to step away from the responsibilities of being available to students and clients… just for a while. My site will shift into being subscription-based, with monthly materials released, including chapters from the new book! YAY! I just really have to get these books done and I’m beyond ready! My private counseling and channeling will most likely stop for, at least, all of 2007.
- INNER WOOF
I’ve begun supplementing my income by creating my own dogwalking company: INNER WOOF: bringing your inside doggy, outside! I had originally started walking for a company called NYCDogWalkers, but as I worked with that company for a while, I discovered there were no ethics involved, not only in regard to the clients, but to me. I was not being paid what I was promised, and eventually, literally, the man stole from me. As I announced to my clients of NYC Dog Walkers that I would be resigning, several of them asked me if I would be walking dogs on my own… I had considered doing that, but was prepared to start from scratch, so I said, YES! This is when I discovered they were thrilled that I would be doing so and asked if they could remain working with me! So nearly half of my route left with me from NYC Dog Walkers. They did so, not only because we had developed a great rapport and they liked my work with their dog, but also because NYC Dog Walkers was just a poorly run, negative, and nasty company with huge turnover because of how the owner runs things. In the end, the owner showed his true colors by going crazy and contacting all of my clients in a panic and telling them that he had actually fired me because I was a part of some giant crime ring and that I was caught abusing the animals. Good lord! I can sure find the loons. Of course, all of my clients knew this wasn’t true, but it was all very shocking and disorienting for a while there. Everyone already knew I was leaving about a week in advance because I wanted them to know before he did. Not only because I knew he would throw a tantrum and possibly not pay me (which he did exactly as I had anticipated), but because I thought they deserved to know that the person who had been walking their dog would be leaving. It had already been established that he would neglect to tell them when other turnovers had happened and people hated not knowing who had keys to their apartment from week to week. I would hate that, too, so I gave them a heads up.
Now these wonderful clients who left with me have a devoted, loving, responsible, consistent person who comes into their homes and takes care of their little furry ones and I LOVE the work!
I’m also losing weight like crazy! I’ve had to poke holes in my belts, and my pants hang all baggier than ever. My tummy is getting flatter, but not muscularly so… Just… Not as… Fat. I’d say I’ve lost almost 20 lbs, but I really don’t know. My legs are lookin’ good, what with all of the stairs-climbing all day long! Whoosh! This downsizing has inspired me to begin working out the upper body, which I will begin very soon. I promise.
- MONEY CHANGES EVERYTHING
I’m not making a lot of money, but I’m making consistent money, which is always good. What makes the biggest difference for me is not how much money I can make doing something, but how much happiness I can have while doing it. It makes a world of difference. Also, I am absolutely, completely reliant on my own income (which is another reason I am losing weight, LOL), but it’s all a very good thing.
- MISTER TROY’S NEIGHBORHOOD
One of the best things that has happened to me in a long time was returning back to Manhattan, and more specifically, returning to a part of town I LOVE LOVE LOVE! The Lower East Side is where I will struggle to remain for the rest of my life. I want it to be a major reference for where I have lived in my life when it comes to my bio after I die. HA! I am SO happy here!
- FRIENDLY FIRE
I’ve finally started meeting guys again, but only within the context of friendship. I love to socialize and I find it to be a more inviting context to get to know someone. So when a guy wants to meet, it is done so in that playful , social way and not in some kind of scrutinizing, interview way… we are just out to get to know each other. This has led to some really interesting and wonderful experiences. Sometimes I think I am too Aquarian for my own good because my emphasis is always on “just being friends,” but I will know when I have found a guy with whom I can build a romantic relationship. For now, I don’t mind having some new pals.
The biggest news is that I have had an amazing reunion with one of my best friends of my lifetime, IVAN. He was in my life when I first moved to New York City and we were friends who were in love with each other in a way that is rare. I have ached over the years for he and I to be reunited. We had lost each other in about 1995, I think. That’s when Johnny and I had broken up… and then Johnny and Ivan expressed an interest in each other, and I was fine with that, even bravely encouraged it, but then I just about went crazy when I realized that their dating would cut me out entirely. That was the one thing I had stated I didn’t want to happen, but I was naive and we were all young. It was really devastating, though. That’s when I had turned to Cyprus for support… and she had her back to me because she had just discovered an entirely new world in New York City and couldn’t be bothered. That’s also when one of my favorite Exes, Edward, had also had a reunion with me, but then his new boyfriend told him not to hang out with me anymore, and Edward complied. So I had lost everyone important to me within about a month’s time. It flatlined my lifeforce, but somehow, I remained friends with Cyprus, Johnny, even Edward, and I remained deeply connected to Ivan over space and time, even though we lost touch. We had found each other once before, but the timing was off, or something, but now I am grinning ear to ear with happiness because the timing is perfect; our connection is soft and kind, and I am in love with him all over again.
I “fall in love” with people whom I love, very easily. It’s not a sexual, romantic thing, but a moving, BIG feeling of embrace and gratitude. That’s how I love Ivan and only a few other people in my life. I am so glad we found each other again.
- LOVE, NOT LOVE
Speaking of falling in love… I occasionally have the RARE experience of meeting someone with whom I feel a deep, confusing, ancient history and our meeting is like a reunion, even though we have never met. It’s just like the way I feel about Ivan, except there is no logic to it, since there has never been any contact before… but it still feels like a long-overdue reunion. In most cases, this can be the beginning of a relationship with a guy with whom I then become boyfriends, but not always. I recently found this experience with my “new” friend, Hawmi.
When he met me on a spontaneous decision to hang out one night, we seemed to simply “pick up” from where we had left off… from some other life. At first, this can feel like the beginning of a romantic relationship, and for a few days it was a bit exciting and disorienting, but both of us are smart enough emotionally and intellectually that we were able to quickly acknowledge that our connection is bigger than just some kind of romantic attraction… so we sighed our way into accepting that we have a big, strange, loving, immediately-intimate, playful love for each other… and we will just keep it as friends.
He is destined to be a great film director, and here is his web site for some of his initial short films. Believe me, you will see more of him:
- LOVE, NOT LOVE 2
In other emotional news, I had befriended a lovely boy who was spending a lot of time with me, laughing, having nice talks, having great fun, but he eventually revealed to me that he wanted more from me than my friendship and stepped away from our friendship with no warning. It was weird to have this person in nearly every day of my life for a while, having such a great time, and then having it all taken away because he couldn’t get what he wanted. We had talked about that very soon after meeting and had made it clear that we were not going to go in that direction, but in the end, he said that didn’t matter… he still wanted what he wanted and if he couldn’t have it, he had to leave. So I rolled with it and just felt inclined to be supportive. After some time now, he has returned contact with me, but we haven’t met up to hang out. I think it’s best to move slowly back into that potentially messy territory, so we’ll see.
- LOVE, NOT LOVE 3
Well, I have added to my experiences something I have never done before in my life. I went home with someone. Okay, I HAVE gone home with someone at some point in my life, but the once or twice that I did, it was just conversation and late night giggling, and then the only other time was with Clem, who became my boyfriend very soon after.
I HATE going home with someone, or the thought of bringing someone home, just for sex. It makes no sense to me. I don’t have anything against it for other people, but for me, it’s too fake, too contrived, too… something. If I want to have sex with someone just for sex then it makes sense to just do it right there where we stand, LOL! No pretense, no logistics, just do it. I don’t want to have small talk, fake conversations, and be in a stranger’s bed, or have them in my sanctuary. It just feels desperate and mutually exploitive, like some kind of extended form of masturbation. My philosophy has always been that sex is easier to get than food, because you can always please yourself, but you can’t always feed yourself. So to go to such lengths just for sex seems so empty for me. I’d rather have a bag of chips.
However, I did go home with two people recently. One, was just like the rare one in the past: just lots of silliness and giggling and snuggling like big kids, and I really did enjoy that. It’s probably not much different than how I described the desperation of sex, as it’s still a kind of emotional desperation, I suppose. I mean, I don’t FEEL desperate, but there is a desperation in sleeping with a stranger, no matter how you look at it. I’m willing to own that.
The second person with whom I went home…
That’s all I am going to say because I will tire myself out writing about it. Let me just say that it was probably nowhere near what most people do in these situations, and that I was absolutely “safe” because I don’t do the nasty with anyone (except a few rare boyfriends), but I had one of the most incredible, free, comfortable, erotic, satisfying sexual experiences of my life (for several hours, at that). Hands down, one of my all-time favorite sexual experiences.
NOW I can see why someone could get addicted to this stuff, but I won’t be getting addicted to it anytime soon. I’m just sayin’… I had an incredible time.
Of course, there was a lot of conversation and it wasn’t all sexy stuff, or I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed myself as much; in fact, he did ask me (playfully) to just shut up a few times. And I would… for a while.
Anyway, that’s probably the extent of my “going home with someone” experiences because I don’t really like it and I feel lucky that pretty much my one time doing it was so amazing, I don’t really see a need to try to recapture it or top it.
I’d rather make sweet love with m’bo’fren. So where ARE you, new boyfriend? Dayyyuumm!
- VEGAN LOVE
And that’s another thing… where the hell are all of the vegetarian and vegan hotties? I know they are out there! I cannot believe I keep meeting these committed carnivores; the ones who adamantly state, “I NEED MY MEAT, DUDE!” Uggh… I mean, they’re cute and all, but I gotta have that giant heart thing going on that extends across species. I mean, I’ve gotta lot of love here to give so I need a guy with a big, big heart. Still waiting…
IN CLOSING, for now:
God, I have a lot more to write about, but I really have to break up this post a bit. I’ve been very candid and that feels great to actually see that some pretty good things are going on these days.