Tonight, Nick and I are celebrating our Birthdays together for the first time in a long time. His birthday is the 29th; mine on the 20th.

We are having an informal gathering at the infamous Trailer Park in Chelsea. As part of the birthday celebration, and in conjunction with our lovely embrace of social networking and technology, we will be posting tweets, 12seconds, etc with the “hashtag” #hbtn (for happy birthday troy nick) Below is the live feed from tonight’s events, if you feel like joining us in spirit, remotely! If you want your tweet to show up in this thread, just include #hbtn and it will feed directly here, LIVE!

More to come…

I’ve been looking for a way to begin my 2010 entries, and I can’t think of a better way than to launch with this incredible, unseen footage of Flight 1549 that landed in our Hudson River last year. I remember how inspiring, and touched all of us were when this happened, especially in conjunction with Obama taking office. Everything at the beginning of last year just reeked of hope and anticipation and inspiration. All of that energy took me by surprise last year because, well, who could have anticipated the survival of every person aboard a crash-landing in an icy river off the banks of New York City, and although I was supportive of Obama by default, I was never one of his fanboys. But I had to admit to the impact of such excitement over the possibilities for America, the psychological possibilities for our evolution, and then this beautiful landing of 1549… it just sparked a great sense that things were just… “right.”

And then the nasty Right-Wing, Republican, Christian, Nasty Nutjobber Whackadoodles came out of the woodwork and spent the entire year doing everything they could to destroy all possibility and inspiration for anyone and everyone not in alignment with their vile sliver of ideals. Like a lanced wound leaking of pus from ages of neglect, they came forth from the festering Bush years and only from this slightest pin-prick injection of hope and inspiration that so many felt for all of us for the first time in a long time.

I know there are all kinds of things we could pick as the challenge against inspiration in 2009, and that there were also many personal events that happened over 2009 that contributed to our losing our footing with our inspiration, but I’m using the Nutjobs as the symbolic representation for all of that, because that’s what I found to be the biggest pain in the ass for the U.S., at least. You can pick whatever you want. But the point is… that’s how change happens. That’s how inspiration works. That’s exactly the path any true transformation takes once we’ve found our footing… SOMETHING comes along and challenges it.

It’s bound to happen because now we have a glaring contrast between the old and new. It’s not that it wasn’t there the whole time. It’s just… now it’s surfaced in a way that can’t be ignored.

So I think this footage below is one of the more important symbolic visuals for starting off 2010. It’s a reminder that our inspiration is still intact; that we can resurrect it, rescue it, pull it up and out of the icy depths of 2009 and give new life to it. Even if it means disassembling it and spreading it out.

I have more to say about the possibilities of 2010 for myself, and for all of us, but I’ll save that for another entry. For now, mesmerize yourself with the film below, and let it stand as a symbolic meditation on bringing your own inspiration back to the surface, back to solid ground, and at least give it the nurturing it might need to do what it can do.

Happy 2010, everyone… I’m back.

Hey gang!

This week I worked really hard to rise above my experience of frustration, pain, and sadness involving friends I feel were being… well, less than friends. I got to a point where I almost quit, gave up, and walked away from all of it, but there was a moment when I realized I had a choice. So I experimented… and chose Love over Fear (protection), and I’m happy I did.

I almost forgot to post this to my blog! I will be posting a new one every week! Woo Hoo!

YAY!! I'm Baaaaack!!

I'm Baaackk!!! It's been a long time! So why don't I make vlogs more often? Watch the vlog and see if you feel the same way about your reality...

I can’t believe it’s been SO long since my last entry, but there are important reasons for my having taken a break, and I’ll mention those in the weeks ahead.

But watch out! November is going to bring a whole new wave of adventures, ponderings, and wanderings! I’d love to hear from you as I get back on track, so please leave a comment to let me know you were here!

Pretty Please?

Oh, and U R Loved. For realz! You are!!

I had a bad dream about my mom last night. Some of you know that history, but for those of you who don’t, let’s just say it wasn’t the nicest of childhoods, and that the easily-spouted “Mothers always love their children” is just really far from true. I know people like to uphold that mythology, and that’s one of the reasons I endured as much as I did as a child; no one wanted to believe a mother could treat a child like that.

Now, in the 21st Century, we know better, but we cling to that iconic imagery, which is nice. We don’t have to let that go. But we don’t have to ignore the suffering of children just to protect that imagery, thank goodness.

Anyway, this dream was a reunion with my mom after all of these years of deafening silence, save for the peripheral whispers I hear from some family members that she’s asked about me. Even as I was lying in my death bed a couple of years ago, she couldn’t gather the courage and love to reach out. So this dream was pretty profound to have out of nowhere.

THE DREAM:

Apparently, in the process of setting up this reunion in the dream, she had been asking about my work with the channeling and the Michael Teachings and wanted to know if I’d share all of that with her. So… my god, you can imagine. I was elated! To not only have this possibility of reunion, but also to have any kind of interest in my life… whoa.

I gathered up an armful of books and some paperwork to share with her, and I made my way to this reunion.

The address was some house; a Bed and Breakfast type situation. I entered and went to the room where we were to meet, which was open, and I sat on the edge of a bed.

I waited. And waited. I thumbed through my books nervously, and my cautious excitement about a reunion began to fade into anxious worry. After an hour of waiting, I got up and left the room to see if I could find out if she had called someone, left a message,… something.

I went downstairs to find the host of the house intending to ask if she had heard anything, and was greeted with a huge grin, soft eyes as she walked toward me with anticipation, “Well,… so how is it going? Is everything okay?” I replied with some confusion, “Actually, she hasn’t shown up, yet. I was wondering if you’ve heard from her?” The woman retracted her smile and offered concern, instead, saying, “Honey, she was here before you were. She was waiting for you in the room. She even brought lunch!” I explained that I’d been sitting up there for over an hour with no one.

We climbed the stairs back to the room.

As I neared the room, I noticed the door was ajar, which I had closed, and as I opened the door, the breeze from a now-open window was catching bits of paper, swirling them about the room. The bed was littered with the pages of my books, torn up, and my notebooks pulled apart. The closet door was now open, too, and on the floor of the closet were wrappers from an eaten lunch.

She had been sitting in the closet the entire time, waiting for me to leave the room so she could destroy the materials she had asked for me to bring. Apparently, at some point after I left the room to see if she had called, she had poked her head out the door to make sure the coast was clear, destroyed my work, and then climbed out the window onto to the roof, down a trellis to the ground.

I just sat on the edge of the bed, resigned. And I wondered why do I always think “this time, it will be different.” It never is. Not even in waking life.

END OF DREAM

Anyway, for this to come roiling up from my subconscious after so many years is an interesting thing for me to ponder. I think it’s because I am at a cross-roads of my future and past, right now. Either my past is going to destroy my future, or I am going to release the past to its place of rest so that I can move on. The thing is, I always think I have moved on, but if you have ever experienced any kind of life-altering, devastating wounding, you know how insidious and persistent that infection can be. I don’t really know if we ever truly “move on” from that.

This song came up randomly today and the dream came rushing back in. It’s not completely relevant, but a couple of lines hit home, capturing that abandonment of that only source of security and safety in the world you have as a child, which I think has a profound, long-term effect on the life after that, no matter how healed you may become. It’s like losing your legs. You can find so many ways to heal and get around later in life, but the fact remains: you still lost your legs.

I lost my mom. I should never have expected I would “get over” that. I probably never will. And that’s what’s okay. I can still manage to get around, and I do… quite well.

So this song goes out to all of my friends, and the parts of my family who kept The Runt, and doesn’t think he’s scum…

THE RUNT by Chris Garneau

[See post to listen to audio]

You don’t see this every day

Lions close their cat eyes too
They sleep the same as lovers do
I don’t know how I got here
But I know where I have to go
But I know where I have to go

Raccoon babes get left behind
Sometimes the runt’s too small
For moms to care a little bit
For moms to care at all
For moms to care at all

But you, you kept the runt
You don’t think he’s scum
You’re worried in the morning
You’re worried in the afternoon
And you’re worried in the nighttime too

His little dirty feet stink bad
The popcorn smell makes your nose sad
I don’t know how he got here
But I’m scared he’ll wind up dead
But I’m scared he’ll wind up dead

Lions close their cat eyes too
They sleep the same as lovers do
I don’t know how I got here
But I know where I have to go
But I know where I have to go

You kept the runt
You don’t think he’s scum
He’s wasted in the morning
He’s wasted in the afternoon
And he’s wasted in the nighttime too

You kept the runt
You don’t think he’s scum
He’s wasted in the morning
He’s wasted in the afternoon
And he’s wasted in the nighttime too

You don’t see this every day

THE RUNT

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but August should get me back on track! For now, you wanna wake up with me and go for a walk around the ‘hood?

YAY!

This was originally posted to vlogaddicts.net/CocteauBoy (you should join!) in response to the great KAOS (tiny.cc/0K20o) inviting us to vlog from outdoors… So get up with me in the morning in my New York apartment that looks like a Power Puff Girl sanctuary, or PeeWee’s Playhouse, and help me say good morning to the animals, the neighbors, walk my dog, and share some lovely stores around my ‘hood.

The new series for tleTV has begun!

This series is not directed specifically toward advanced students of The Michael Teachings, but toward new students, and for those who wish they had an easy way to introduce family and friends to the concepts. There will be advanced concepts discussed as the series library builds, but for now, please consider this as a gentle and easy bridge for newcomers and seekers.

You can also follow this series on YouTube and Vimeo!

WARNING: this is a deeply serious blog entry that explores a very sensitive subject for many people, and it poses questions and commentary that may go against everything you have taken for granted as being true about HIV and AIDS.

It is now the 21st Century and it has become a fairly common and unquestioned reality that HIV exists and AIDS is/was an epidemic that threatens everyone on a level few famous diseases ever have. Rather than rehashing the questions and controversies that continue to grow within the medical and scientific community, I urge you to read my original posts (here and here) that helps to delineate the shocking realities and questions about HIV/AIDS that most people do not even realize are in need of being explored. Please keep in mind that I wrote those articles before I was diagnosed, so my continued questioning is not out of some kind of denial, but out of a serious wish for solid answers… which have not been found, yet.

I’ve been questioning this “epidemic” for many years and have yet to find anyone to intelligently respond to the serious questions posed by the dissenters throughout the medical and scientific communities. I’ve watched this controversy unfold over the years to the point where HIV was actually on trial for the first time ever in an Australian suit against a man charged with murder for having sex with people knowing he was diagnosed as HIV Positive. The defense posed that in any other conviction of murder, a weapon had to be proven to have been used, asking the prosecution to find proof that HIV exists, and show evidence that it is, indeed, contagious. This trial raged for a while, but throughout the entire trial, no evidence was able to be presented to support HIV as being contagious or even existing, so the Judge threw the case out because he did not want to be associated with the questioning of the validity of HIV/AIDS. The fact that neither contagion nor HIV could be proven in a court of law is extraordinary! Any other known contagion or virus can easily show evidence of its properties and existence!

I had already been noticing the passionate investment in the reality of AIDS and HIV to the point of its being a topic that was off limits for questioning, but now that I am on the “inside,” having had my own diagnosis of AIDS in 2007 during my descent into Pneumonia and a coma, I have had a first-row seat in this terrifying show of zealotry. No doctor is willing to answer my questions. No doctor CAN answer my questions. And some are outright hostile and condescending in the face of my questions. Yet I shyly and desperately beg for one… just ONE doctor to have an intelligent conversation with me about the lack of science behind AIDS as an epidemic, and the lack of evidence that HIV exists as a contagion. I’ve never had to deal with so many doctors in my entire life and it has only become clear to me over these past couple of years that doctors are merely priests at the bottom of a pharmaceutical chain of command that acts as the unquestionable voice of God.

Medicine is truly the new religion. Blind Faith and Unquestioning receipt of treatment and drugs is expected of us, or the threat of death or humiliation is at hand. Believe me, I know.

Although I am supposed to have the choice as to whether to take HIV drug treatment, and I am supposed to have a right to educate myself about the consequences of such treatments, I have never felt such a lack of choice and such an imposition of fear in my entire life. I would sit and cry in desperation for a doctor to explain to me exactly what I was getting into and the response was callous and condescending, saying to me nothing more informative than, “if you want to live, you will take the drugs.” In fact, my doctor tossed a map of all of the HIV drugs in front of me and said, “which ones do you want?” I shook my head in shock and disbelief, saying back to her, “Asking me to choose and combine from this is like asking me which cliff I want to jump off of! I don’t want to jump off the cliff in the first place, yet you are asking me to choose from where to jump?” Begrudgingly, she picked out my “cocktail” for me and I have been taking them DAILY… for almost two years now. Because I am scared. Until someone will answer the questions posed by dissenters, I am left only with the solid push of fear that I have to take the drugs… or die. And no one can tell me that someone is not making money off of me. My monthly drug bill is over $2000. Monthly. That’s more than my New York City RENT!

So on top of all of the controversy that already plagued (pun intended) the HIV/AIDS Hypotheses (yes, “hypotheses,” as none of the claims have even reached the level of evidence to be called a Theory,) it has now come out that the original documents from Gallo, the American Virologist who claimed credit for discovering HIV and connecting it to AIDS, was in fact a fraudulent claim motivated by monetary gain and competition. Questions as to the motivation of those pushing the AIDS/HIV news came about shortly after the original announcement when it was discovered that the very same “virus” that was announced by Gallo as being the cause of AIDS had already been discovered by Luc Montagnier in France.

Fast-forward 25 years and we now have access to the original documents written by Popovic that were supposed to have been published in place of what ended up being published by Gallo! Gallo received the documents only 9 days before the planned announcement of the HIV/AIDS findings, which was planned even before the experiments that were even done!! These are extraordinary documents and clearly show the intention for fraud by Gallo and those seeking to begin the perpetuation of one of the most profitable diseases of all time.

For your convenience, here are the links to the original documents and the original article commenting on the discovery of these documents. I urge you to read them when you have a chance because this is some serious shit that could lead to a world without AIDS… because it never existed.

Before I share the interviews below, I’d like you to see this trailer for a new documentary that pulls everything together from my previous blog posts linked earlier, and goes straight to the source to explore these controversies:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_N4zgjF0K0

The video below is an example of the reaction from those in the medical community in regards to the asking for evidence for HIV, AIDS, the tests, and the supposed number of lives being saved by the drugs.

I was so excited to see that this was an interview with the men responsible for the creation/discovery of HIV/AIDS and it was being conducted by someone who would ask the hard questions! All I want is for them to ANSWER. I don’t care who is right or wrong… I just want intelligent answers.

Instead, this is what you get…

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjUL7RSxXYs

Below is part of the interview with Peter Deusberg, one of the more notorious dissenters because he is world-renowned for his being the first to isolate the cancer gene through his work on retroviruses, continuing on to map the genetic sequences of those viruses. He is a Nobel-Prize winner and a Professor of Molecular and Cellular Biology, and was hailed by Gallo as being the person who knows more about retroviruses than any other man alive. Of course, that moniker was thrown out when it didn’t suit Gallo’s claims that go against all scientific substance. When the full interview is up, I will post it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5xZ4_aFHII

Keep questioning… Always question.