…And Away We Go!

Reading time: 6 – 10 minutes

Euthanasia of the Heart

It is at once exciting and very sad that I am single again. I had that few days where everything seemed perfectly alright and then I was hit for about 3 weeks of grieving and sadness; nothing debilitating or too difficult, but just surprising. I know Nick didn’t intend to hurt me, so I don’t take it as a hurtful choice of his to move in a different direction than we thought (for nearly four years!) Still, I miss everything about our relationship; and because that is the only way I have ever known Nick, he now seems like a stranger to me. I think that makes me the saddest of all. I’m trying very hard to be his friend, but for now I can’t seem to reconcile the momentum of our routines, concerns, plans, and affections as boyfriends and these new, muted behaviors that would support only friendship. It’s just awful to have to make a profound effort to let someone go, but even worse to actively have to kill a happy, loving, affectionate part of your Being so that it can accommodate a new version of a relationship. But I am trying.

Dating Delirium

In an effort to “move on” and harness the tiny part of me that might be excited by being single again, I have actively announced my single-hood and posted/updated my Personals Ads everywhere. I’ve received numerous friendly, complimentary responses, which is nice, but 99% are, of course, not compatible with me (based on reading their ads). I am not opposed to going out with someone who appears incompatible with me, but there must be SOMETHING intriguing about that person. Sometimes that intrigue is in their look, sometimes it is in their interests, sometimes it is just intuition.

So today, or sometime this week, I am going on my first date with one of about 4 possibilities I have decided are of interest, with one particular guy in the lead. Ironically, this one is the most interesting, intriguing, and challenging of all of them, with very little in common!

In my fantasies, I always want to date someone “just like me”. I have this general idea about what I am attracted to, and lo and behold, I never EVER end up with that kind of person. NEVER. I have NEVER dated someone like me. I can only conclude that there is some freakish part of me that loves the learning more than the idea of comfortable love. I think I have this idea that love must be challenging and stretching of my capabilities.

The first guy (I will call him “C”) I am going out with is an adorable, gorgeous, impatient, restless, calloused, homo-hoodlum with a caustic sense of humor and a secretly-huge heart. I think I am attracted to the contradiction within him. He is pierced, defensive, cynical, and arrogant, yet this seems to cloak a creative, gentle, yearning, devoted heart. We have spoken on the phone, exchanged emails constantly, chatted for hours and hours, and developed that strange, deep affection across the internet. I really can’t wait to meet him. I am sure that even if we aren’t attracted to each other in 3D, we would be very interesting friends to each other.

There are other guys I want to plan to meet and go out with, but I am terrible at that part. I have a hard time “dating around”. Once I have met one, I feel like I can’t meet any others until I determine what’s going on with one. I am weird.

Another guy I am seriously interested in meeting is “M”: a very cool, ex-club kid poster boy from the 90s with a genius streak and an over-the-top, semi-famous presence in the NYC underground and across the web. He wrote me in response to my blog when I announced I had been dumped (hi “m”!) I guess he has been a fan of my website and varying incarnations of my blog for about year!

Who knows what will come of the New Year… I have been dumped and I am on the rebound and I am working harder than ever, even joining a gym! It seems so ironic that now that my life is so much more stable, defined, and happy, that my boyfriend would find it important to dump me. Ahhhh, the irony.

DREAMS:

I have been having massively-packed dreams lately, but I couldn’t remember them. I remember Friday’s and Saturday’s, though.

Friday: I dreamt I was walking around Brooklyn Heights with Don and I kind of wanted to go home. It was chilly, grwasn’tand damp out. Don wasn’t ready to stop hanging out, I could tell, so I suggested walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. I suggested this, but I remember thinking that surely he would dismiss that option because it was so cold, windy, and late. Instead, he blindly said, “oh! Ok!” I was annoyed, but couldn’t back out, so I started making comments as we climbed to the bridge, pointing out how long it was and how it was farther across than it appeared. Don continued oblivious to my disinterest in doing this. As we walked onto the walkway of the bridge, instead of it going straight across, it severely curved upwards like a giant skate ramp. We pushed forward, climbing the ever-steeper incline until the incline literally became vertical enough that you had to climb by hanging onto something. Toward the top, we were actually climbing by sticking our feet and hands into grooves worn into dirt, as if the material of the bridge had now become the side of a very steep hill. We reached the top and found a room. Gently, I began to remember that I had been there before. There were people there, milling about and having cocktails. Some people said hello to me as if they remembered me. I was fascinated by how high we were and wondered how everyone got there. It seemed at this point Don went wandering off. I went to a doorway that led to one of the huge cables that hold the bridge together. I remembered it used to be okay for us to scoot out onto the cables, but people had fallen and died, so it was discouraged. I still found myself hanging onto the thinner cables and standing on the giant barrel cable, working my way out about 10 feet. I suddenly had a flash of a couple of people falling, watching them seem to go in slow motion, and then seeing one of them hit a part of the bridge and slice himself in two. Suddenly I got really nervous and wanted to get back inside, but I also made a note to myself in the dream that the memory of others falling was from a previous lifetime and that I had been one of the people who had worked on building the Brooklyn Bridge!

Saturday: I dreamt I was on the set of part of the filming of the remaking of DAWN OF THE DEAD. Now I can’t remember much, but it was scary. I also dreamt that Michael Myers (of Austin Powers fame) had responded to my personals ad! What up wit dat!?

MOVIES:

2 rather disappointing movies seen recently: THE SECRET WINDOW and DAWN OF THE DEAD. Both were very well-done movies overall, but there was nothing of substance to them. I mean, I was not on the edge of my seat, the plots were predictable, and I left feeling nothing. They looked good and should have been exciting, but they were not. I was disappointed in both, even though they were worth seeing. Dawn of the Dead I would see again if in the mood, but Secret Window, I would not. 28 Days Later was much more genius and scary compared to this Dawn of the Dead remake (and I actually liked the original much more). Secret Window was good ONLY because it is such a treat to look at Johnny Depp and watch him act. He is oddly mesmerizing and so likeable. Secret Window, however, is a Stephen King story and is a recycled story of The Dark Half (quote: “Novelist (Tim Hutton) is shocked to discover the alias he uses for some of his books, has manifested itself and is acting on the violent urges and thoughts the author has.”) Hello, that’s the same story as Secret Window. And I don’t know if it is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but Timothy Hutton was in this film, too. This film would have done better as an Outer Limits episode.

Dream of a Ros

Reading time: 4 – 6 minutes

Wow, my blog is turning into a full-blown Dream Journal, but I swear I will balance it with the realities of my days! I think the dream state has become emphasized as a result of the processing of my break up.

DREAM:

Okay, first, in waking state, I got this “wink” from somebody who saw my personal ad. Yes, I did it. I put out a personal ad shortly after being dumped. Partly because I was like, fuck it, whatever, I gotta move on, and partly because, fuck it, I AM ready to move on! Heh heh… So I have my ad in several places looking for friends and dates. Well, I got this “wink” from a boy and I thought he was cute. I get tons of “winks” because they are safe for people to send and they don’t cost anything, but I rarely find them interesting enough to respond to. This guy was cute and interesting, though.

So when I went to bed, I dreamt about him, but not REALLY him… I dreamt that I got an email from him and he said he really looked forward to going out with me before he had to leave the country. I noticed that he signed his email with a name that looked Icelandic, but I don’t know how I thought/knew that. Then I noticed a link in his signature that was for the Sigur Ros web site! I followed it and realized this guy was the lead singer for Sigur Ros!! I could not believe the guy from Sigur Ros was asking me out!! I was so excited in my dream!

I love Sigur Ros because their music is so mournful and emotional and the crescendos are intoxicating. Add to that the reviews that call the lead singer “Elizabeth Fraser in a gay man’s body”, (my all-time, most-influential, inspirational person to me on the planet!) well, how freaked out excited could you possibly get me?!

If you have not seen or heard Sigur Ros, try starting with this video. Watch closely, all the way through to the end. It is the most beautiful and sad thing EVER. Follow this link and watch the second video down, called: “viðrar vel til loftárása”











Of course, it was all just a dream.

WAKING STATE:

Okay, so in “reality”, I am healing, moving on… I can’t believe how fast I am processing this! I am actually kind of excited. When I was in my worst state of anger about Nick dumping me, I decided to do this meditation called “decording”. It’s a way of separating your energy from another person, or group of people. I wanted to do it as a way to kind of punish Nick, actually. I thought, fine, if you can so easily dump me, I am severing all ties with you and you will be left with a husk of a relationship with now hope for a future with me! Within hours of doing the meditation, freeing the energy between us, I started feeling AMAZING! I started seeing him in a very compassionate light, full of love and acceptance for the bravery of his choice (he really did not hurt me or intend to hurt me), and I saw that my worth was not tied to his interpretation of me or our relationship! The freeing feeling was AWESOME! Suddenly I was very excited about just being the best of friends and my moving on to find a more appropriate boyfriend who really shared in the same interests and hopes, which Nick and I did not. I could easily take Nick back in a heartbeat. I think I would love him as completely with or without the label of “Boyfriend”, but I realize it is a nice thing for me NOT to be with someone who doesn’t want me like that.

Interestingly, since the meditation, I have been reunited with two guys from a time when I first met Nick. They are guys I would have gone out with, but I had already started dating Nick! So now I can go out with them if I want! I know for a fact that one of them is interested, already telling me that he has waited for years to hear that I wasn’t with Nick anymore, so we could “snuggle and kiss and date”! He said he always knew Nick never wanted me as much as other guys seemed to want me. Whatever. Everyone wants what they don’t have. The true test is wanting it after it is yours, and nurturing it for the years to come. Sigh…

I don’t know if I am really ready for seriously dating, but it’s nice to know that I might be able to do so when I am ready.

DREAM

Reading time: 2 – 3 minutes

I dreamt last night that I had discovered a new love for someplace in Europe, but I am not sure where I was. I have never been to Europe in my waking life. I was much younger in my dream, which has never happened before. I always dream of me as either non-age specific or my current age, but in this dream I was just about 20 years old. Apparently, I had gone to this place in Europe and had left to go back to the States. I guess I had just returned and had worked really hard to be able to come back. I vaguely think there was someone there whom I had fallen in love with and had vowed to return to him, but now I couldn’t find him. I remember walking down this lovely, quiet street and feeling so alone, but so happy to be back at the same time.

At one point I was standing in front of this house that sat on this street nearly by itself. I knew my mom lived there, but I never did see her in the dream. I just knew she was there. I was standing around outside this house when a car pulled up about a half-block away. It pulled up onto the sidewalk and parked. All of its doors opened, and I was already half-running to the car. It was the women from the STARTING OVER house! What the..??!!

They all got out of the car as if they had expected to see me, and though I appeared to have expected to see them, I was also SO happy to see these familiar faces! I hugged Hannah and discovered since I had seen her last, she had damaged/injured her neck and back and was in minor pain. Karen is the one who appeared to be happiest to see me, with a huge, tight hug!

We were all walking back down the street toward the house where my mom lived.

I woke up.

NOTES: I do love that STARTING OVER reality show! I think it is one of my all-time favorites of the reality tv phenomenon. I wonder if I dreamt this because of my recent breakup with Nick.

DEAD IS DEAD IS DEAD

Reading time: < 1 minute Nick informed me tonight that he made yet another confusing choice in asking me to be his boyfriend again... he dumped me AGAIN tonight. My heart really hurts now, after working so hard to open back up over the beginning of the week when he told me he had made a mistake and wanted me back. I wonder how many people can say they have been dumped by a boyfriend twice within two weekends. Everything seems so flattened right now, but I know I will be ok. Someone will really care about me someday, want me, and keep me. For now, that person will have to remain just me,… and, of course, Cyprus… my best friend. God, I can’t believe this happened to me! I feel so stupid. Good Night, Nick.

DREAMING OF ME

Reading time: 3 – 4 minutes

Wow, another great dream! I am back on track in recalling! YAY!

DREAM:

For some reason, I have rarely if ever dreamt about Nick.






Maybe it’s because he is on my mind and in my life so much anyway that my night time is for other adventures? Anyway, I had a dream with him, finally!

Now that I am writing this, I am unclear as to the details, dammit, but Nick and I were out and about, but for some reason got on a wrong train or something. We ended up somewhere that was confusing, but still kind of familiar. I don’t know how this merged together, but somehow we found some tickets to a show of some sort. The tickets were for only part of an event that had varying levels of possible participation. Our tickets were ONLY for the show, so we could not stay for any receptions or discussions, or whatever. I don’t even remember seeing the show, but I know we went.

After the show, we were laughing and trying to figure out where/what to do next, so we started working our way through this place. It seemed we were in a mall of some sort, but it was long, the way outdoor plazas are designed. We worked our way through and by many, many stores, and we began to wonder how we were to get out of this place.

Finally, we found a fast food restaurant that was interesting enough to eat the food, so we were standing in line. As Nick got the food, I was called over by someone at a table who informed me that we had to pay for the tickets we had found earlier. I tried to explain that we had found them, but that didn’t matter since we had used them. He said we would be billed on our Credit Card for $14.95 each. This upset me because we had only seen the show, but participated in nothing else, and he was charging us for the entire event. We should have been paying only $6.

We were both annoyed, but just resigned to paying the price. Suddenly I saw a door that appeared to lead outside! I rushed over and stepped through to see where we were. I couldn’t figure out anything except that there was a restaurant across the street called SWOOP, which was a Soup and Sandwich shop! I looked up at the lettering above the doorway I had stepped through and it read: SWOOP & PASTA. I guess it was because it sold soup, sandwiches, and pastas/salads.

That’s all I remember, EXCEPT that at some point amid all of this, I was flirting with Nick, then lifted him onto my shoulders with his legs over them, FACING ME, so my face was in his crotch! We were getting all bizarrely sexual, but someone walked in on us and we stopped, though we weren’t that embarrassed.

What the hell is going on in my lil head!!?? heh heh

PS: Nick and I are officially dating again…

The Ponderings and Wanderings of a Metaphysical ManBoy, Gaymer, Writer, and Channel for The Michael Entity